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You know when you go to the movies and there is the famed intro of, “Please, don’t spoil the movie by adding your own soundtrack?” Well there should be another one that goes something like, “Please, don’t spoil the bathroom by leaving remnants of your excreta.”

What you do in the comfort of your own private bathroom is your business. The bathrooms at Brandeis University are public, however, and it has been brought to my attention in various forms that some basic rules for using the bathroom must be amended. Unfortunately, just as there is still the schmuck whose cell phone rings in the middle of the movie, I have no doubt that there will still be some schmuck who cannot seem to follow some simple rules for making the bathroom a pleasant experience for all.

That being said, here are a few simple rules:

There is no reason that there should be any remnants of your excreta left on the seat or on the floor. Women: Please stay seated for the duration of your visit. Men: Stand closer, it is shorter than you think.

When you have finished your visit, please make sure all utensils make it into their proper location. There need not be any sections of toilet paper or seat covers clinging to the seat of the toilet. If you need to reach down and help it into the bowl, do not hesitate, there is soap and water ready for you when you exit.

This is for women only: Your feminine products must, I repeat MUST, be meticulously put into the convenient garbage provided for you. There are a few reasons for this. The first is that if you flush it down the toilet, the toilet might clog, which will inconvenience everyone. The second is that just like the toilet paper and seat covers, there is no reason why it can’t be done. The third is that people will have to see what you do not take care of. And the fourth, and probably the most important, is that if you do not put your used items INTO THE BAG PROVIDED then someone will have to clean it up for you, and that should not be the case.

Flush the toilet.

If you see that for some reason you have not followed any of the above rules, clean it up.

Please wash your hands with soap and water. Germs can and will spread if given the opportunity.

Upon using the convenient paper towels, place them into the garbage can. If the garbage can is overflowing, condense its contents by pushing down, chances are that there is a lot of unused empty space in there, and it shouldn’t go to waste at the expense of someone else having to either dodge a sea of paper towels on their way in or out of the stall, or clean up after you.

If you make a stinker, please, don’t hesitate to open the window. You don’t have to be ashamed about what you’ve done; everyone does it. It is a nice gesture to help evacuate the smell for the comfort of future users (which might include you).

Thanks, and pleasant pooping!