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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

March 2006 Issue

APRIL FOOLS: New course lottery system

The housing lottery has passed once again, and another successful year for the Department of Residence draws to a close. The lottery system allows for students to choose their housing in a fair and surprising way. Since the system has worked so well for housing, Brandeis has decided to expand the lottery system to course selection as well.

APRIL FOOLS: Socially active students: priority in housing lottery

The Department of Residence Life has announced major reforms in the Housing Lottery system. Due to the vast amount of complaining among the student body, Residence Life will now give students with the most friends on the social networking site The Facebook priority in selecting their housing.

APRIL FOOLS: Brandeis Police armed;

In a historic decision, Brandeis police were given permission to carry guns. After years of petitioning and debating with administration, the police are now allowed to defend themselves. In addition, to compensate for years in which police felt deficient without a piece, police have permission to carry shotguns instead of the lesser pistol.

APRIL FOOLS: Wal-Mart for Village space

The debate regrading the open space in the Village dorms has been dominated by fringe liberal interests on campus. The most vocal lobby for the Village space is in favor of creating an Activist Resource Center. While this is a nice idea, this discriminates against the majority of the Brandeis population: those that do not care about genocide and illegal labor practices. The Brandeis administration should invest in the community's interest: creating a store that offers quality products at the lowest price possible.


In a surprise move Monday, Brandeis newspaper the Justice purchased The Hoot, according to Justice Editor in Chief Dan Hirschhorn 07.

APRIL FOOLS: Jon Stewart selected for commencement

The Board of Trustees has just announced that famed Daily Show host Jon Stewart will speak at thisThe Board of Trustees has just announced that famed Daily Show host Jon Stewart will speak at this years Commencement ceremony.

APRIL FOOLS: RIDGEWOOD, we hardly knew ye

Think youre living in Ridgewood quad next year? Well, unfortunately, youre not. Harper Construction Corporation has decided to speed up the building process and tear down the quad this May. Hundreds of sophomores will be left homeless just one week after the housing process.

APRIL FOOLS: The Brandeis Brief

Gordie Fellman joins gang
Students and faculty alike were shocked by Professor Gordie Fellmans (SOC) announcement that he has joined a violent local gang.

APRIL FOOLS: Statue for Chapels Field

Renovation has begun on Chapels field, where Brandeis has decided to build a statue on the field, in honor of the 2005-6 Womens Basketball team making the Division III NCAA tournament this year. In honor of their achievements, the administration plans to erect a gigantic, 300 foot tall statue of junior forward All-American Caitlin Malcolm, and place it in Chapels Field.

APRIL FOOLS: Editorial: Campus beautification project not consistent with universitys social justice values

Recent initiatives taken to re-sod, re-mulch, and plant the campus have incited Brandeis groups to express their concerns. The community should consider the following issues and respond to them as necessary.