Advertise - Print Edition

Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

APRIL FOOLS: The letter they don’t want you to read…

Published: March 31, 2006
Section: Opinions

You shouldnt be reading this. Seriously. This is dangerous information here. Ive been fearing for my life for the last week since I was given this assignment, but here it is. Careful who sees you reading this. That person could end up being the last person you see.

There is a vast conspiracy going on at Brandeis. The election scandal, the Stein sting, the Heller bomb threat, the Student Activities Fee (SAF) proposalits been a very clustered time here, no? Too clustered for it to all just to be a coincidence.
Lets start with the opening round of Student Union elections. Allison Schwartzbaum 08 took the presidency unopposed. Sure, its a big job. Its also one that looks impressive on a rsum. Her unopposed run must be the work of some deeply-hidden force. This brings us to her heavy support of the SAF reformone which leaves guaranteed, F-Board-free funding for only the Student Union and the Justice.

The Justice is where this starts getting very unnerving. What do IPTV, the election system flaw, and the Stein sting have in common? All three stories were broken by The Hoot! Coincidence?

Further, recall the Heller bomb threat: The Justice broke that story as the Brandeis Police kept students locked down in their dorms. The Hoot, three days later, reported that BEMCo had not been called for the bomb threat. Now, why wouldnt the on-campus medical transport group be called for such a significant safety threat? And why would the Justice keep that under wraps? Clearly, someone didnt want other Brandeis students to poke around. And now, the Justice has bought out The Hoot, effectively eliminating its chief competition. Coincidence? Or is there something unspeakably diabolical right around the corner?

Lets turn more attention to The Hoot-reported stories. It would be clear why the Justice would want the election scandal to stay hush-hush;

they are at the behest of the one trying to rig the elections. And have you noticed that BTV never comes in on IPTV? Strange for the campus TV station Unless it is being used to broadcast top-secret messages to the puppet-master at 4:35 a.m., and those who may catch the transmissions should be discouraged by the lack of programming. Finally, there is the Stein issue. Naturally, the conspirator(s) would want to keep underage undergrads drunk to prevent them from sniffing around and discovering too much. The Stein as a distraction front gains more legitimacy if you consider the addition of a pool table and pool league. Said Prof. Harold Hill (MUS), Ya got trouble That game with the fifteen numbered balls is the devils tool.

But theres more to consider. The SAF reform will give guaranteed funding to only the Student Union and the Justiceboth of whom are already implicated in this scheme. But to get the Brandeis Police involved, this is clearly a large-scale operation. Where else is money going to keep things under control?

The answer? Student Sexuality Information Services (SSIS). An insider, under the codename Dental Dan, revealed a hint. Its typically, like, twelve bucks for ten condoms. Here, theyre two for a quarter. Meanwhile, a chunk of grilled chicken and two pieces of bread is $3.60, much more expensive than, say, a Wendys grilled chicken sandwich. Where do you think the excess money is going? Also, take the all-points plan, about $1.60 per point. Where is the extra sixty cents going? Why is food so expensive and random sex so inexpensive? Clearly, keeping students distracted is a high priority28 condoms for the price of a grilled chicken sandwich will keep people occupied for quite some time. By the way, Dental Dan added, thatll be $14.73.

So there you have it: A wide ring of distractions and cover-ups. But who is at the center? The Justice and Schwartzbaum are viable options, but I believe they are pawns in a bigger scheme. President Jenny Feinberg 07 could have organized the whole thing in exchange for shadow presidential powers next year. Prof. Jerry Cohen (AMST) may speak about crazy conspiracy theories to throw others off his own conspiring. Perhaps the Zany Bagel Tasters are back, or Jehuda and Dean Jaffe are at the root of the scheming. Or, some long-graduated, maniacal student runs a shadow government from a lair in the secret passages below the Castle.

I hear them coming. I have no time to write. Stare at the clues! Follow the money. The SAF money. There will you find your answer

Editors Note: This was found on an external hard drive in Brian's shattered computer. The diagram was hidden under his pillow. His revelation may be lost to us, but we will find those who did this to her. People of Brandeis, we will be free!