Sections

SSIS does a great job of educating Brandeis students about sex, but there are just some things that SSIS has never bothered telling us. We had to learn these things from other places, including that sixth-grade sex ed. class we crashed, that strip club we frequent or that strange site we stumbled across while on the Internet.

Now, this may not shock you, but one of the best sources of sex information is the movies. For example, we now know that there’s no lubricant better than a live chicken, and it’s all thanks to John Waters and his inspirational “Pink Flamingos.”

An even better source of sex advice than John Waters is George Lucas’ original “Star Wars” trilogy. Although George Lucas has surely never had sex in his life, he imparts a lot of wisdom in those movies. In case you only walked out of those movies thinking about the implicit coolness of lightsabers and Boba Fett, allow us to explain the sex lessons of “Star Wars” to you.

1. Don’t go around kissing people because they may be your long-lost twin. Before kissing anyone, insist that they submit to DNA testing. Also, if you do kiss them and they then turn out to be your sibling, never speak of it again.

2. For all those guys out there who fantasize about Princess Leia in a golden bikini: Stop! We now know that girls do not like that. If you even get your girlfriend to wear a golden bikini, it may result in her strangling you with a giant chain. That is an unpleasant way to go.

3. As with No. 2, if you look like Jabba the Hutt, you can’t get away with that shit—any shit to be exact. We bet, however, that Han Solo can get Leia to wear whatever he damn well pleases—we mean, come on, he’s Han freakin’ Solo.

4. Since we’re on the topic, only Han Solo can get away with saying “I know” when a woman tells a man she loves him. If you try it, you may yet again find yourself at the wrong end of a short chain.

5. If you are going to insist on using your lightsaber only against the dark side like Luke Skywalker, don’t expect to get laid. No girls walked out of those movies wanting to sleep with Luke—it was all Han, all the time. (And Chewie for that odd percent of the population that call themselves Plushies.)

6. Gay men will always be the coolest. Just look at R2-D2 and C-3PO. They’re so cool, they can get away with walking around naked (even Chewie has to wear a utility belt!).

7. Have performance anxiety issues? Don’t worry! If you happen to shoot first, you can always go back 20 years later and edit any evidence so that it looks like the other person went first. Or maybe that only applies to Han Solo, too.

8. Don’t talk like Yoda. Ever. It is just so unappealing. When talk like this you do and when you insist on contradicting yourself every other sentence, people don’t want to hang around you. In fact, they will flee from you. There’s a reason Yoda lives all alone on Dagobah; people cannot stand to be around him. Even Luke—who doesn’t really have anyone else going for him—opts out of his whole training montage before it’s complete. Yoda also gives really bad (sexual) advice; he tells Luke: “Size matters not. Look at me.” Heh, good one, Yoda.

9. It’s OK to be a little rough every now and then, but everything works best in moderation. Darth Vader takes the entire choking thing way too far. Not cool, man.

10. Even the most annoying people will one day find the perfect person for them. Otherwise we wouldn’t have any ewoks.

So, while “Star Wars” may just seem like a trilogy of fun adventure flicks, it’s really so much more. If any of these lessons seem incorrect or counter-intuitive to those things which you think you already know, then you should internalize Yoda’s only line of dialogue that isn’t embarrassingly stupid: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Men, the next time you’re in bed with a girl just think: What would Han do? Then remember that you’re not Han and scale it back just a tad. Ladies, remember, when you’re one of only three named women in the universe—the others of course being Aunt Beru and Mon Mothma—you can get away with pretty much anything. You just have to wait until that day.

Also, can Han really understand Chewie? Or does Han just have a thing for bears?