Commission the corgis and bring in the beaglesPublished: December 7, 2012
We apologize in advance if we do not continue to write next semester, but instead apply to transfer to Emory University.
While we have a great amount of respect for our colleagues at the Emory Wheel, a weekly student-run newspaper, it is not for them that we transfer. It is not because of a particular fondness for Atlanta, or because their number-20 listing is higher than our No. 33 on the U.S. News and World Report’s national universities rankings list.
During finals, Emory students have access to seven libraries and world-class professors. That’s not what’s most important to us during this time of the semester. When it comes down to it, we want to transfer to Emory for one specific reason—puppies.
In a recent USA Today article, Emory was listed as one of many universities around the country, including Kent State, Macalester and University of California, San Francisco, to create puppy therapy programs. Those programs, designed to relieve student stress during finals, are exactly what they sound like. Depending on the school, students can check out a puppy like a library book, or come play in a room full of puppies before returning to work.
It was the section about Stanley, a golden retriever puppy, that stole our hearts. Apparently, he was rolling around on the floor with a squeaky toy while law students watched him.
We remember some sort of petting zoo offered in Massell during our very first finals, back in the 2009-10 school year. Neither of us went. For Leah, it just didn’t seem appealing. For Nathan, it had more to do with repressed memories of an incident with a certain very tiny billy goat.
Where are our puppies, Brandeis? If Leah’s mother has kvetched about anything, it’s her stress level during finals. Actually, Leah never calls home during finals. Because she’s too stressed. In Nathan’s case, studying for finals isn’t always necessary or done in advance and puppies are cuter than Netflix.
If it’s a matter of cost, we can personally guarantee that enough students will pay some sort of entry or rental fee that the school will be completely reimbursed for the cost of the puppy room.
If it’s a matter of space, we both live off campus, and though we don’t love the idea of having stressed out, overly-caffeinated students in our homes, we would be willing to make that sacrifice for our fellow students.
Please, Brandeis. We have given so much to you over the years (both in our tuition checks and in our commitment to academics and campus organizations) and we have asked for very little back. Please, for the love of all that is fluffy, bring us puppies. We will never ask for anything again.