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Letter to the Editor: The humorless critic

Published: November 17, 2006
Section: Opinions


To the editor,

I, for one, would like to take the time to tell Alan Meyerson 08 Bravo! (“Comparisons not quite as unfair as assumed,” Nov. 10). Too long have we operated under the assumption that homosexuals may be classified under the category of Americans. When I read the line, OBVIOUSLY I do NOT believe that homosexuals are overrepresented on campus relative to Americans, I couldnt help but feel my heart leap up in joy. Most communist-loving liberals would have made the base and horrifying assumption that comparing homosexual representation to American representation is impossible (American and homosexuality supposedly not being exclusive terms).

Mr. Meyerson, though, is made of the sort of stuff of which other, heteronormative men can only dream. Where other, lesser men may have used a slightly less offensive term like conservative or Republican, he used the unforgiving, unyielding term American. Bravo! When our forefathers scripted the immortal words, all men are created equal, they clearly did not mean homosexuals or, for that matter, women. But I suppose thats another topic altogether.

My only real issue with his letter arises when he says that he knows a lot of homosexuals who are Americans and vice versa. Nay, Mr. Meyerson! I say, nay! How could this be? By what ancient means of witchcraft could such devils have made it past our rigorous and demanding citizenship tests? Perhaps this statement was made as an apology towards all the Godless, man-on-man loving liberals who were, for reasons unknown, taught to read The Hoot so that they may further vex us red-blooded Americans.
And dont get me started on the lack of American flags around here! I attempted to purchase one for my own room, but it turns out that these things cost money! MONEY! What sort of spendthrift, academic hobo am I that I can spend money on a flag? I even attempted to get one hung in the SCC Atrium, but it turns out that just shouting at the students working at the information desk is inappropriate. They expect me to talk with student representatives or some such nonsense. Well, let me tell you, they dont represent my interests. Am I right or am I right?

Ive been hearing a lot of things about context, and how due to this context American flag burning is free speech and gay flag burning is a hate crime. People keep telling me that people are often killed or assaulted in America for simply being gay, while the rates of such violence for being American are considerably less. Oh please. Havent you heard of 9/11? Or, I mean, come on, what about the Civil War?

Chase Shutak 08