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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

Bananas; true source of original sin

Published: January 31, 2014
Section: Opinions

When I heard that I could write an article about bananas, I was surprised, to say the least. But I knew that I must accept this challenge; I knew that the truth had to be known.

You may not know it, but it was actually a banana that Adam and Eve ate from the Garden of Eden that created original sin. Bananas are the root of all evil in the world. The trick is that nobody knows it, but I am here to expose that secret.

First off, yellow. What sort of color is that for a fruit? There is not a single other fruit that you would be pleased to see had turned yellow. Okay, so maybe there are a couple, but for the most part, yellowing food insinuates rotting food. Even worse is when they start to turn brown. Before you even unpeel it, the banana is telling you that it is not going to taste good.

Past the outer layer, the inside of a banana peel is just plain daunting. If you can even get over the struggle of getting the thing open, which can be much more difficult than perceived, there are then endless barriers to contend with. Most unbearable are those little stringy bits that didn’t want to peel off with the first layer. Bite into a banana with those still there, and it’s like eating a little bit of yarn with your snack. Any bruised spot is extra mushy and must be cut off.

All of these annoyances can be solved, you may say. True. However, then you reach the actual fruit. Straight up, peeled, sliced, clean, banana. It is there that my deepest issue with bananas lies: within the taste and the texture. After one bite, it’s as if I have cotton mouth, and there is no saliva left in my mouth to regulate that awful aftertaste. It’s like there is burnt plastic super-glued to my tongue.

It’s evident that I am not the only one who knows the extent of the banana problem here at Brandeis. In Sherman Dining Hall, if you listen, you can hear others complaining about the same phenomena. “Why is there always only banana soft serve?” I heard a poor youth cry one day at dinner. “It’s like they have to have it out here all the time ’cause nobody eats it.”

Even if you like the taste of bananas (how is Bedlam these days?), the social implications are color blind and status blind. It doesn’t matter who you are—whether in movies or cartoons or real life, bananas are the devil’s advocate for bullies and the humiliation of all. How many times has some naive soul been made fun of for the phallic appearance of eating a banana? Many colleges and universities now have twitter pages, such as “Tufts Bananas” with the sole purpose of exposing students “deepthroating,” I mean eating, bananas. Or worse, how many perfect getaways have been ruined, how many perfectly designed plans have been foiled, because someone slipped on a banana peel?

Bananas just aren’t worth our time. Sure, if you’re an athlete, they can potentially relieve any cramps you may have. Technically, they add some color to your plate and nutrition to your diet. But as a society, we can do better. If you are in dire need of potassium and think you have nowhere else to turn, don’t look to bananas. There are other foods out there that can help you. Some viable resources include white beans, dark leafy greens, baked potatoes, dried apricots, avocados and more. Let’s rid ourselves of the haunting yellow trickster. Don’t turn to bananas—they will only turn right back around and ruin you.