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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

Letter to the Editor (April Fool): Problem looms large on Brandeis campus

Published: April 1, 2007
Section: Opinions

To the editor,

I would like to take a stand against a certain individual named Jordan Rothman. While he is a contributor to many clubs, I feel that his nasty demeanor warrants the attention of your publication as it did in the other Brandeis publication, The Justice, this past semester.

Since he has become an established Hoot columnist, Rothman has attacked short people in his columns, iPod users, and the idea of the fire alarms. As a vertically-challenged person from Czechoslovakia, I was greatly offended when I picked up the copy of The Hoot at my shanty hut in which Rothman attacks the community for making fun of his tall stature. Did he not consider my own humble predicament? Rothman is only shoving his large feet into my face by saying, I only wish that someone could just walk around in my shoes for a day, though I know none of you will fit in them! Mr. Rothman, I only wish that you could walk around in my shoes for a day.

His decision to attack iPod users was also inane. As a former student who was afraid of reality as well as human-to-human communication, the iPod came as an incredibly awesome invention for me. It gave me a way to avoid having to acknowledge those awkward girls that I hooked up with during my freshman year, as well as a way to rock out to Nine Inch Nails as I walked to class. Mr. Rothman, I'll bet you listen to emo music.

Thirdly, as an individual who has a difficult time waking up in time for classes, I have found the late-night fire alarms quite to my benefit. Seeing half-clothed girls coming out of the dorms has offered me a great social opportunity as well as the ability to ogle a bit. Maybe Rothman should just burn, baby, burn.

Lastly, Rothman's height does not represent the normal Brandeis student, and he therefore should be ousted from the F-Board. He is too involved, in too many clubs, and that offends me. I wanted to bring this up before his demeanor spreads to the rest of our humble campus, as he must be stopped.

Steve Jobs

*Note: This is part of an April Fool's joke.*