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To the Editor,

Look, we just don't give a Hoot! Stop all this news nonsense. No one really cares about what's going on on campus. Everyone at Brandeis puts the pathetic in apathetic. JUST STOP. Carter at Brandeis? He's OLD! Clubs faking receipts? Booooriiiing. Look, NO ONE CARES. Oh, you may think someone cares.

Those are rare days when you actually see someone pick up a Hoot to “read later”. Not so. In fact, I happen to know there has been a lack of toilet paper in the bathrooms around campus, and everyone knows that the Hoot is much softer on your ass than the Justice. Oh, maybe you should report on that! WRONG. The only thing newsworthy on campus is how useless you guys are. News is a thing of the past. We're all digital now. Youtube and Facebook are the only things worth paying even the slightest attention to, and I have to say I would much rather watch videos of cigarettes being shoved into the ears of cats while they run around an untidy garage. If I were to rate your news on a scale of one, being retarded, to ten, being genius, I would have to say they are absolutely worthless. Now, cats with cigarettes in their ears, that's something I'm really interested about. I mean, where does the smoke go? Do they have black earwax afterwards? Do they get ear cancer? THESE ARE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS!!!! If I ever picked up an issue of your magazine, I think I'd find myself asleep in two minutes. One of those minutes I would be wondering what font you used for the headers, and the other minute would be in shock from the realization that I picked up something worth less than the footprints I leave when I walk away from the bathroom, and a copy of your soiled magazine resting in the nearby trashcan.

*Note: This is part of an April Fool's joke.*