Sections

The performance of Liquid Latex last week proved to be quite bothersome to me. In a year full of offensive nudity, masturbation, and general debauchery, I would like to take the time to condemn the universitys actions for allowing this event to continue. I was personally offended to see girls and boys in grotesque costumes, masquerading at Brandeis University as if they were a part of a fashion show. Brandeis students have long been criticized for their ugliness, and I cannot, and will not, stand for their lack of clothing. I would like to also affirm that I was willing to give millions upon millions of dollars to this trouble ridden university, but following these grotesque events, I am afraid that I am no longer able to do so.

I commend the actions of the administration to cancel the Less You Wear, Less You Pay dance earlier in the year, and I feel that it was a true step in the right direction. Brandeis is not a university meant for liberal- minded individuals. However, the administration must take much more drastic actions to remove the other problems that seem to infect the university. The addition of Romp Magazine to your campus has also only added to this ridiculous school of thought of exhibitionism. This coupled with the performance of the STD- ridden play, The Vagina Monologues, has again increased my own personal concern that Brandeis students are obsessed with sex. This is quite apparent in the weekly sex column submitted by your weekly rag, which seems ridden with sexually deviant individuals full of immaturity and perversion. To even sponsor the student club, SSIS, is an abhorrant waste of funds. God would not be happy. As if students couldnt get enough of the topic, your campus radio station had to host a weekly show, and your campus television station had to host the weekly Sex and the Suburbs. In relation, the administration must cut the ties to the Hefner family in an effort to move away from its beastly sexuality.

I can only hope that the administration sees things the same way as I do. I can only hope that God has mercy on your souls for sponsoring such a horror stricken event as Liquid Latex, and hope you all make the right decision to cancel the event for the same reason that you have so rightfully done for the Less You Wear, Less You Pay dance.

*Note: This is part of an April Fool's joke.*