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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

Choose your own online dating adventure

Published: April 13, 2007
Section: Opinions

I know, I know. Youre too cool to do online dating. But that doesnt mean you havent thought about it. Come on, dont lie. Youve browsed a few Craigslist personals pages, late at night, under the cover of darkness. Oh, admit it. You signed up for JDate just so you could see if anyone from Brandeis was on it, but you didnt delete your account, did you?

Okay, fine. You dont do online dating, you never have done online dating. You are just too cool for all that. But if you ever were to create an online dating personal ad, you have to know the lingo. Look no further;

here is your quick and easy guide to creating your very own online personal ad.

1. You are a:


2. You are also a:

M4W. W4M. M4M. W4W. M4M/W. W4W/M. Bottom. Top. Switch. Vanilla. (If you dont know what the last four mean, for the love of god say vanilla!)

3. Pick a body type:

Voluptuous. Trim. Fit. Athletic. Skeletal. Big and beautiful. Slow, curves ahead! Junk in the trunk. Well-padded. My mom thinks Im cute. Ive been to a gym. Great personality.

4. Pick a pastime:

Long walks on the beach. Chillin wit my homies. Dungeons and Dragons. Playa-hatin. Theatre/opera/museums/looking over my monacle and saying hrumph. Karaoke. Having deep discussions, or alternatively, talking until the sun comes up. Boardgames. Going out. Staying in. Cuddling. The outdoors.

5. Your ideal mate:

Can cook. Is rich. Has a tight bod. Knows when to shut up. Gives massages. Likes geeks. Makes breakfast. Is Jewish. Loves Jesus. Is classy. Is a partner in crime. Is out of prison. Is fly. Is of age. Is clean. Knows (s)hes hot. Doesnt know (s)hes hot. Likes my cat. Eats meat.

6. Pick your ideal first date:

Skydiving. Romantic dinner at a restaurant with violins. Sex. Coffee. Coffee then sex. Dinner and a movie. Dinner and a movie and sex. A picnic. A picnic with sex. (and so on.)

7. Pick a dealbreaker:

Children. Smoking. Smoking crack. Being a crack ho. No car. Loose skin. Playa-hatin. Needy. Children. Skanks. Has a penis. No penis. Speaks English. Children.

8. You are using an online dating service because you:

Are sick of the bar scene. Are sick of the club scene. Are sick of the strip joint scene. Are ugly. Are weird. Are under house arrest. Are cheating on your significant other. Are bored. Cant get no love.
One from column A, one from column B and BAM! Youve just online dated!