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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

Sexiled: OLs are bad in bed

Published: October 26, 2007
Section: Opinions

Maybe this is a generalization. Maybe this has just been my experienceand the experience of a few of my friends. Maybe this is a broad and unfair judgment on all O.L.s. But I challenge you to find me one that isnt a complete disaster once you hit the sheets.

As I uncover this mystery, Im not just going to assume youve never had a good one. Maybe you had one that made you scream in pleasure, instead of the usual frustration. Id be more than happy to be proven wrong.

But I can only be proven wrong if there are people who have gotten good O.L.s in bed;

Im sorry if I just completely destroyed your fantasy. But put your trust in me, reader, that O.L.s are bad in bed because every O.L. Ive had made me want to put my clothes back on. And walk out the door. My piece of advice this time around: Dont try this at homeO.L.s should stay on the other side of closed doors.

If, at this point, you arent asking yourself why O.L.s dont get you hot in bed like theyre meant to, then youve missed the mark. My first score was last year, my freshman year, and lets just say it wasnt exactly something to write home to mom about. She would not have approved of One Liners, or O.L.s for short. I write this article in order to prepare you for a question you might possibly receive at some point and to warn you that although these might seem like logical, embraceable ideas, they are not. At all. Ever. I hope you can practically see the awkwardness rising off the page.

I bet you can, unfortunately, also envision my reaction to this introductory One Liner I swallowed in all its inanity, which is still my favorite: Lets just spoon. I feel like it sums up my whole life: he wanted to talk about silverware in the bedroom. Thats romantic. Perfect, almost.

Moving on from those ideal lines that Ive come upon to other oral slips of the same vein, all gathered from friends, the question, Has anyone ever asked if they could stick ice cream in your crotch? was received by my unlucky friend and definitely tops the list of Worst One Liners. She said it almost ruined Cherry Garcia for her.

A somewhat inconsiderate guy once told another friend during their supposedly mutual meeting, Ill get you next time. Wink.

Another time, a guy yelled this one at a party, who does not get to use his drunkenness as an excuse: Talk about yourclit!

These have the ability to create a dry spell that has nothing to do with lack of alcohol: Ill be back. It hurts;

Do you have lotion?;

Ooh, your boobs jiggle;

Whats your name again?;

Whats that sound? In or out of context, these comments or questions are never acceptable.

All of the above phrases were coined by men. But women have the same power to make a flowery moment wilt. I once told a guy, I like it when you grunt. Needless to say, he was confused and uncomfortableit is never good when they actually want to watch the movie. With no movie to take the discomfort away, a friend once commented, You missed. A different time, Strike one. I feel like these require no explanation.

The same friend was hooking up with a guy once and told him that she was waiting until marriage, and she got, Wait. So does oral sex count?

Back to my many screw ups, I have both been surprised by this and surprised others by saying, Oh, you shaved! Shaving is a nice gesture, by the by, even if simply to prevent the other person from being shocked enough to say this anymore just something to chew on until your next mouth-to-mouth.

Shaving aside, what makes these O.L.s so bad is that they are impossible to respond to, both physically and vocally. They make the situation completely and utterly hopeless. You can hear almost hear the condom wrapper shriveling up. Questions such as, What do I taste like? are loaded and unfair. What is he/she supposed to say? Cherry Garcia? The answer isnt usually so sweet. The same guy once later said, Next time Ill drink a Rock Star. I am not so sure he realized what he was implying. Either way, he just made a compromising moment even more pregnant. He had already fallen down on the job, thus invalidating my friends reply.

My last two favorites, the first experienced by me and the second by a friend, were: Am I big enough for you? To which I answered no. (I take some credit for ruining that moment.) And a friend got, Why does sex have to be special? Which is the point of this article. You tell me.

The only acceptable One Liner is I love you. And only when you mean it.