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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

Futile Banter: A weekend in Amersterdam

Published: October 26, 2007
Section: Opinions

The weekend that Pachanga falls upon is perhaps the biggest weekend of the year with regards to Brandeis night life. Unfortunately for me, I was unable to attend because I was in the middle of my Madden08 playoffs for XBOX and I had my Super Bowl game the following morning. Sometimes in life, we are forced to prioritize on certain occasions and I opted to favor my Madden season over the biggest weekend at Brandeis. Do I have any regrets? I think not. In any event, the weekend before last, my best friend Charlie and I decided to travel to Amsterdam, which is an incredibly unique and different type of city. As you will be able to decipher after reading this article, nobody goes to Amsterdam for the museums or the scenery. If you havent visited already, then I suggest staying away at all costs. If you are intrigued by the scenery in Amsterdam, then I can show you the five pictures that I took while I was there and that should be more than adequate in terms of fulfilling your visual desires. The following paragraphs will describe life in Amsterdam in full detail:

After arriving late Friday night, we decided to walk around the city for a while because it appeared as though there was a lot of fun stuff happening right outside of our hotel room. The first place that we walked by was a place that showed live sex shows for what was advertised as a reasonable price. The guy at the front door of this upscale establishment greeted us as we passed by with a Come on you perverts, you know you want it. Lets just get it over with it chant. His voice sounded exactly like the guy who hosts the show Best Week Ever on VH1 and when he used this pathetic line on us, I couldnt help but laugh in his face. It was from this moment forward that I knew I was not going to like Amsterdam.

Surprisingly, the girls that are available for sexual encounters in Amsterdam were extremely attractive. The part that was bizarre was that when you walked by them, they would grab your shirt and try to coax you into their rooms. While I am used to these type of things happening when I walk by girls back home in the United States, when women are fully clothed, it was quite strange to have girls in skimpy lingerie performing stunts like this. While I was shrewd to the idea that these sexual Goddesses were simply looking to take my money, my friend Charlie was under the assumption that they actually liked him. If you ever visit Amsterdam, please do not make this mistake.

When Charlie and I were traveling around the red light district in downtown Amsterdam on Saturday, fully knowing that this was not going to be an enjoyable trip, I couldnt help but think that the only way that this adventure could be salvaged would be if we saw a big celebrity. We began staking out the sex parlors, with the high hopes of seeing Brittany Spears selling herself for sex in one of the windows or Dennis Rodman coming out of any of the wide range of sex shows that are offered in classy Amsterdam. We also hung out around the coffee shops hoping to get a glimpse of Ricky Williams or possibly Michael Irvin but unfortunately none of these things ever transpired. Can someone please answer this question: how does a guy like Ricky Williams not live in Amsterdam?

For me, the highlight of the trip came on Sunday, when Charlie and I traveled to a nearby casino. We each put 10 euro in our pockets, fully expecting to leave Amsterdam with no cash. While Charlie lost his money quicker than my friend Liz can spend $600 at Bloomingdales, I ended up making 23 euro, which sadly made me feel a little bit better about the trip.

The end result of the trip looks likes this:

Plane ticket to Amsterdam: $300

Hotel room with one bed in Amsterdam: $120

Souvenirs for all of my friends from Amsterdam: $80

Seeing my best friend Charlie go into one of the sex parlors with an Amsterdam bimbo: priceless.