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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

Sexiled: Good vibrations

Published: November 9, 2007
Section: Opinions

Awkward is one way to describe it, passionate is another way;

then again, maybe its not either of those. Maybe, for you, its actually comfortable and unexciting. But for me, its definitely the best of both worlds. I dont have to shave and he doesnt have to try to do something he is, uh, not going to be able to finish.

When I set out to write this article, I wasnt thinking that you could call services. I was thinking only about calling your boyfriend or girlfriend and rising to the occasion. Oh, how narrow-minded I have a tendency to be. I forgot all about the phone sex industry.

I didnt call a service, but I was the first one to suggest phone sex to my boyfriendapparently he was perfectly fine without it. But I wasnt.

Well, actually, that is a lie because with the invention of batteries and small, plastic friends, it is so much better without the male interference. (I hope you know what my small, plastic friend is. Just a hint it is not a garden gnome.)

However, it is definitely a nice combination of my know-how and hisinput. Voice. Whichever, really. I dont know about you, but I definitely have this guilty thing that happens from time to time and so it is nice to have a partner in crime, so to speak, so that I dont feel like I am all alone in my dark, dark room.

So sitting here in my dark, dark room, I called him and asked him, unceremoniously, Can we please have phone sex? Seductive, I know.

Which then led to questions of, What are you doing now? and Are you wearing clothes? and Ok, so, what are we supposed to do? This is where I want to startwith what youre supposed to do.

What we did was at first I described my fantasy as mentioned in my last article and then asked him to try describing something. Unfortunately, I found his descriptions funnier than I found them sexy. Which meant I had to find alternate ways to turn myself on, completely negating the need for him at all.

Due to my absolute lack of knowledge about how this works in the professional phone sex industry, Im going to stick to assuming if you are calling someone for aural pleasure, it is someone you are dating. With this assumption, here are my suggestions: Once we got into it, it was easy to start talking about what we wished we were doing to each other. To construct a story of sorts, and when one of us, well, couldnt talk or ran out of ideas, the other one picked up where they left off.

Most of it was, I would lick your or Im kissing your ear and now your neck and Im moving very slowly down your chest and now Im If I keep going, this might be the first article ever to be censored by The Hoot. But I think you get the idea. If, like me, you prefer the fantastical to the every day, then your story could have a more legendary climax.

There are other ways to go about this, too. If you and your significant other have some sort of specific fetish you both enjoy or something, then thats yet another hole you can penetrate if you so choose. To my understanding, that is the pull of phone sex with professionals nonjudgmental satisfaction with a stranger. This is by no means a plug for using 800 numbers, but it is always an option if that is what you want.

To me, phone sex describes either fantasies or reality, either fetishes or possibilities. Im not sure yet if I recommend it or not, but when the going gets difficult and the breathing gets heavy and your partner is nowhere near enough to stick them in the situations physically, then it just might be the best sensation at hand.

And if, by any chance, your experience is anything like mine, dont forget, you can always hang up the phone and create your own mental reproductions.

Just put your phone on vibrate.