Advertise - Print Edition

Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

The Essential Friendship Companion

Published: November 9, 2007
Section: Opinions

Its not always easy to determine who your real friends are from the people who are just looking out for themselves. This is why I have created the Essential Friendship Companion. By using this intelligent piece of literature, you will be able to decode who your real friends are from the people who are actually just frauds.

-If the people you are allegedly friends with exclude you from their housing plans, then they are probably not your real friends. If this happens twice, then they are definitely not your real friends.

– If a person that you live with is filming a movie for their film class and they include everyone who lives in your house with the exception of one person, then they probably dont like that one person who they excluded. So if you are that one person who was left out, please realize that the person filming the movie is not your real friend.

-If someone shows no interest in you until they become cognoscente of the fact that your father just sold his company for $6.8 billion, then they probably arent your real friend.

-If someone asks you to hang out the night before a test because they think you take good notes, then they are probably not your real friend. Trust me, I use this line all of the time on people whom I have no intentions of pursuing friendships with.

-If someone hacks into your e-mail and Facebook accounts on numerous occasions, after you urged them not to, then they are probably not your real friend.

-While it is said that imitation is the highest form of flattery, anyone who constantly follows you around and attempts to do everything just like you and displays the notion that they may in fact actually want to be you, should not be your friend. These types of people are what I like to call leeches, as they are constantly looking to latch onto anyone who will accept them. Unfortunately, Brandeis has loads of these types of folk, so beware.

-If somebody calls you 200 times per day on average and has performed stunts like calling you 30 times in a row before you even answered once, then you are definitely their friend. However, you might want to reconsider making them your friend

-If someone brings you soup when you are sick, then they are a great friend who obviously cares a lot about you. If an alleged friend neglects to ever perform tasks like this, then they are probably not your real friend.

-If someone attends all of your intramural sports games and old man softball league games, then they are definitely a great friend. If they create outrageous signs displaying their affection for you and bring them to your games, then they are an even better friend. If this person also happens to be a member of the opposite sex, then they are probably looking to be more than just a friend

-Anyone who is willing to go to a 10:00 p.m. movie instead of the original 7:30 p.m. movie that you had previously agreed upon, just because you want to play two more hours of Madden08, is definitely a great friend.

-Personally, I have always felt as though remembering birthdays is a tremendous indication of whether or not someone is your real friend. Since Facebook was invented, remembering your friends birthdays has become much easier than it was in the past. This is why I feel as though your real friends are the ones who will still call you on your birthday, instead of making a cheesy wall post on Facebook. Your best friends are the ones who call you at midnight on the day of your birthday. Anyone who does this is a definite keeper.

It is important to remember that just because a friend of yours violated one of these rules, it doesnt necessarily mean that you should immediately de-friend them. For example, this year my best friend, for the sake of argument we will call him Charlie, forgot my birthday. While I was obviously upset that he infringed upon one of the most basic rules for determining who your real friends are, instead of notifying him that I no longer have any interest in being his friend, I have decided to make Charlie feel bad about his blunder, which has caused him to be extra nice towards me over the past month. I plan on continuing to do this until December 26th, at which point I will begin my search for a new best friend. If you have any interest in becoming my new best friend, let me know. My email address is