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Futile Ramblings: How to stay unemployed

Published: January 25, 2008
Section: Opinions


As a second semester senior, I have recently endured my fair share of job interviews in my quest to find the perfect occupation following my commencement during this upcoming May. While I have had the luxury of experiencing a number of different types of interviews for all different types of jobs, I have yet to receive that coveted job offer. One aspect of this process that I have been keen to note is the fact that the majority of questions that interviewers ask are similar to one another. For this reason, I thought I would share with all of you the standard questions that are asked, so that you can prepare yourself more appropriately for your interviews in the future. I will also share with you (a) the answers that I chose to reply with (b) what I was actually thinking when I heard the question and (c) what the person who received the job offer replied with. Here goes:

“What intrigued you about the job opening at our company?”

(a) “Well, I applied to about 100 jobs on Monster.com and you guys were the only one’s that offered me an interview.”

(b) What am I doing right now?

(c) “Well, (insert company name) has been so successful over the past couple of years, as you guys have doubled your revenue since 2005 and I am looking to work at a company that is a winner.”

“What are some of your strengths?”

(a) “I’m really good at doing nothing but making people think that I am being productive and I’ve got an amazing stroke when it comes to beer pong.”

(b) I’m a pretty good BS’er.

(c) “I would have to say my work ethic which is demonstrated by the fact that I have been a four sport athlete, I have created three clubs and I have maintained a 3.9 GPA. I also love to work with other people and enjoy opportunities to work and succeed as a member of a team. Also, I am a positive person, as I always attempt to see the good in things, even when they aren’t going my way.”

“What is your biggest weakness?”

(a) “My tri’s.”

(b) Chili.

(c) “My competitive spirit. I love to win and I love to succeed whether it be playing a video game with my friends or working to achieve a major goal. I think this is something that drives some people crazy at times but it also is something that has made me the person that I am today.”

“Use one word to describe yourself?”

(a) “Very good-looking.”

(b) Idiot.

(c) “Optimistic.”

“What is your biggest accomplishment?”

(a) “I went 82-0 and won the NBA title in NBA Live 2008 for Xbox360. I also did this without possessing one player with a rating higher than a 75 AND my controller had a broken joy-stick.”

(b) I once drank 13 beers in a half-hour because the Boston Celtics traded Ricky Davis.

(c) “The time I saved an elderly women’s life.”

“What do you enjoy doing with your spare time?”

(a) “I love playing Xbox360. For a while I tried to be a professional video gamer but that didn’t work out which is why I am here right now.”

(b) I watch a lot of TV but I don’t think that will make me sound well-rounded.

(c) “I love getting involved with community service. Last year I donated all of my earnings to a charity that helps children with cancer and I also spend a lot of time helping children with their homework at a women’s homeless shelter. When I’m not making the world a better place, I go to church.”

“What are you looking for in a job?”

(a) “I would like to be in an office that has an abundance of good-looking girls.”

(b) I would like to make a lot of money, doing close to nothing, in an office that has an abundance of good-looking girls.

(c) “I’m seeking an opportunity where I can get my foot in the door and learn as much as possible about (fill in the field of work). By getting this exposure, I feel as though I will be able to increase my ability to be a successful (fill in the field of work) which in turn will allow me to live a happy and hopefully prosperous life.”

Well, I hope this helps prepare you for your future job interviews. If you want any other pointers about how to impress the company that you are interviewing for just let me know. My new email address is ImStillUnemployed@yahoo.com.