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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

Futile Ramblings: The key to the perfect body

Published: March 7, 2008
Section: Opinions

the_hoot_3-07-08_page_04_image_0001.jpgRecently I have been fielding a number of questions pertaining to the subject of how I have transformed my body into a well-oiled machine. Various students here at Brandeis and adults in the Waltham community frequently stop me on the streets to ask me how I have sculpted such an impressive physique. Instead of continuing to field such a wide array of questions with concerns to the way I have created this imposing and extraordinary sculpture, I thought I would dedicate this column to informing my readers how they too can have the body that they have always desired.

First, you must dedicate a large portion of your day to working out in the weight room. You may be shocked to hear this, but taking a bunch of supplements and then waiting for them to impact your body while playing Madden all day doesn’t actually work. Unfortunately for me, I found this out the hard way. Working up a mental sweat by thinking about going to the weight room and then dumping buckets of water on yourself to try and simulate the sweat that you would have created, had you actually decided to workout, doesn’t improve the status of your body composition either. Instead, you need to perform biceps curls everyday. That’s right, everyday. If you want to look like me, then you should aim to do about 5,000 biceps curls a week. I know all of those physical trainers and personal fitness coaches would strongly advise against this advice but just trust me. I know what I’m talking about.

Next, if you want to look like me, then you can never stop working out. I repeat, NEVER stop working out. Now this may mean that you will have to do push-ups in the middle of your biology class or sit-ups in the middle of Usdan, but if you want to have that killer body, this is the price you’re going to have to pay. In the long run, I definitely think that it will end up being worth it. However, you should know that in the short run, you’re going to lose a lot of friends.

Now I know you are all probably wondering how I obtained my washboard abs, the kind that you thought you could only see on TV. You’re probably thinking they didn’t come from doing biceps curls everyday and they probably didn’t come from doing push-ups and sit-ups periodically throughout the day either. Listen, I also used to think that it was impossible to have a six-pack until I started doing cardio sessions once every other month. This is a great way to keep your abs in great shape and it really tires out your body. I also recommend switching up the type of cardio workouts that you do from month to month because it constantly keeps your body guessing. If you abide by this strict cardio program you will be guaranteed to have abs like mine in no time.

There are a couple of other things that you will need to know in order to transform your body into a rock-solid structure. For starters, your body needs to rest after performing such vigorous workouts. This is why I highly recommend trying to get 13-16 hours of sleep per night. You don’t want to sleep too much but your body also needs time to rest and recuperate. This is why I never get less than 13 hours of sleep and I tend to feel best when I get somewhere between 14 and 15 hours. I’m also a big believer in working in a shower every now and then. I think having good hygiene is an important part of the ‘becoming a physical specimen’ process. When I started showering twice per week as opposed to my old schedule of once every other week, I noticed a 10 lbs. increase in my bench-press. I also think that consuming egg protein at least ten times per day really helped me develop the temple that I currently possess today. If you think ten servings per day sounds like a lot, trust me, it really isn’t. What I like to do on the weekends to make sure that my body doesn’t get deprived of enough protein, is I mix the protein into my Bud Lights. Not only does it drastically improve the taste of the beer, but it also makes drinking beer healthy. What could be better?

Listen, I know that all of this may sound overwhelming but hey, it’s the price you gotta pay if you wanna look like me.