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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

Sexiled: Head hunting

Published: April 18, 2008
Section: Opinions

I’m hot and sweaty. I might even still be wet.

Because it’s summer and therefore hot out. And because maybe I just went swimming. Get your mind out of the gutter. And now be prepared to hop right back in…

Summer is coming up fast, and so is the time to make something other than cover letters. Receive something other than paychecks. Touch something other than sunscreen. Rub something other than noses. (It’s a phrase – to rub noses. I hope you don’t think I just go around, rubbing people’s noses.)

It’s time to start getting jobs. You know the kind I mean…And for those of you who have paid internships, um, screw you! However, here are some pickup lines for any job that blows:

If you work at an ice cream store, sweet cream doesn’t only come as an ice cream flavor. “No soft serve here.”

How about a smoothie place? “Wanna juice that’s all protein?”

If you babysit, I hope there is absolutely no pick up line necessary.

Work at Blockbuster? “Want to make a movie?”

How about a job at the gym: “Can I see your hardest muscle?”

Now, there are so many clever ones for this, but I’ll let you use your imagination after I tell you the ones that made me…laugh: Working retail? “Screw the clearance rack, I’d rather clear yours” or “You’ll never have to ask ‘is there anything you need help finding?’” or “I know something else that you can get me…”

Ok, coffee shop? “You don’t need coffee; I’ll keep you up all night.”

Golf courses, my area of expertise, led me to these: “I can play the front and back and my flag will still be standing” and “Hole in one? I’ll put one in your hole” and “These balls aren’t always white, but they still drive, bounce, and find the hole.”

Any type of advertising firm or something like that, and you get: “The name isn’t the only thing can have firm in it.”

A restaurant? Ok, how about, “I’ll just take the tip, thanks.”

Fast food? “The food isn’t the only thing that comes hot, fast, and cheap.”

If you’re going to be a tutor: “T and A don’t always stand for Teaching Assistant.”

Hardware store? Well, come on! With all the screws, nails, and nuts, the joke writes itself. Enough said.

Moving on – are you working as a lifeguard? Perfect time to say, “Mouth-to-mouth is boring, let’s try something else. Besides, I’m already wet.”

I’ve got a few more, the last one is the best. So you better keep reading, I promise to make it worth your while.

Movie theaters have a lot of environmental stuff to go off of, but I like, “We can pop something besides snacks, and it will be just as salty.”

If you’re working at a bookstore, “I only have hard-cover.”

Grocery store? “Want me to wrap that in plastic?”

Please be better at double entendres than I am after reading this one about cell phone stores; “My service comes with a bonus package: longer bars and you won’t lose connection. Besides, these minutes never run out.”

And last but not least, for all you Jews out there working at Jew Camp or a deli shop: “Is your meat Kosher?”

If you’re still looking for a job, look for anything that pays…under the table.

As for me, I will be doing what I do every summer. Making sure I don’t have any tan lines…