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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

COLUMN: The Student Government Body Goes to the Weight Room

Published: January 28, 2005
Section: Arts, Etc.

Elections for the Student Senate, Union Judiciary, and a whole slew of other flavorful positions in the Brandeis Student Government Body are right around the corner. And as someone who knows exceptionally little about Brandeis elections and student government, I can tell you a lot of stuff about the whole process that you yourself probably never knew about either. Now, what I tell you may not be what is known as true, but thats not the issue. Whats important is that I can make up a lot of stuff and pretend that I know what Im talking about.

What I do know for sure is that everything is centered around the Student Government Body, because the Student Government Body reigns supreme. This is why we have a weight room. We, as the Student Non-Government Body must keep the Student Government Body in good shape, lest its body fat exceed 200% and we all die horrible ghastly deaths due to complications stemming from Student Government Body arteriosclerosis.

But even more than the Brandeis Student Government Body, I know all kinds of stuff about politics in generalI mean the kind you see on TV all the time. For example, the term politic comes from the Greek word tic, meaning sneaky blood-sucking Lyme-Disease-inducing microorganism that hides in the dirt. Politics first evolved millions of years ago among the earliest hominids when a Neanderthal named Pol had to figure out a way to flush tax money down the toilet without the aid of plumbing while simultaneously lying about his affair with a saber tooth tiger. Thus, the first mayoral position in human history was established somewhere in Africa, or wherever Neanderthals lived.

Since Pols first political tenure, politics has burgeoned into what it is today a terrifying agglomerate of never-ending TV commercials designed to convince you that some guys opponent wants to eat your children. Heres an example of what youve probably heard before on the tubes:

For the past 4 years, Irving Schmitaum has been heading a totalitarian regime that has lead to mass starvation and cholera epidemics among innocent schoolchildren. [Grainy black and white picture of Irving Schmitbaum, followed by statement Irving Schmitbaum made supporting the spread of cholera in public schools.]
the Newspaper Times has called Irving Schmitbaum a bad person. [Clip of Newspaper Times: Irving Schmitbaum is a bad person.] According to Mervin Schlorkis, Irving Schmitbaum only needs 2 more years as President in order to complete his spell that will spawn Satan upon the people of America and purge life as we know it in our glorious country. Can we trust Irving Schmitbaum?

[Paid for by the Mervin Schlorkis keep-flooding-the-airwaves-until-the-people-of- America-are-lobotomized Campaign Fund.]

But as we all know, politics are not only present at the state and national levels. They engulf us here as well, in our very own university. This was the original point of this article, which I will now get back to for lack of anything else to fabricate.

And politics, my readers, are not only commercials. They are also debates. So, in order that you get a taste of the full spectrum of politics, here is an example of a political debate one might expect to find here at Brandeis:

Moderator: As Secretary of Hamster Affairs for the Brandeis Student Government, what would you do differently?

Challenging Secretary of Hamster Affairs: Well, for one I wouldnt KILL ALL THE HAMSTERS in a fit of rage like my opponent here!

Incumbent Secretary of Hamster Affairs: I request that you not make a mockery of Student Government by engaging in mud slinging, much less lying. I did no such thing. I merely flung the hamsters at the wall. They died of their own accord. Vote for me.

And finally, following the magnificent example of modern-day politics, I have decided to announce my campaign to become the next Overlord of Brandeis University. Ill be basing my campaign on a novel idea that I came up with after a nightmare I had about my roommate running after me in his underwear. Heres my idea:

To my knowledge, many are unsatisfied with the Less You Wear the Less You Pay Dance. As we all know, its just too bland and far too modest. Additionally, the Screw Anyone Dance, as a rehash of the Screw Your Roommate Dance, is definitely getting old. Nobody fooled us by the change in the title. Therefore, as your new Overlord, my first act will be to introduce a new dance to our eclectic collection. I call it, The Less You Wear the More You Screw Anyone Dance.

All you have to do is run around campus in your underwear trying to set someone up with a member of the opposite sex without having him or her run into his or her dorm room and call the Brandeis Rape Crisis and Sexual Assault Hotline. Itll be oodles of fun!

Farber For Overlord 05 A New Day Dawns With A New Dance Debut!