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Massachusetts State Police (MSP) are investigating the apparent theft of a waffle iron from the non-kosher side of the Sherman Cafeteria. MSP Colonel Smith is asking the University community for assistance. The alleged perpetrator must have had a really big bulge under his or her clothing. If the waffle iron was hot, he or she might have seemed in pain.

Anybody seen carrying a waffle iron on campus will be stopped and questioned, said Public Safety Director Edward Callahan. If you want to walk around with a waffle iron, we strongly suggest you carry a receipt. Upon further reflection he added, if you want to walk around with a waffle iron, we strongly suggest you consult a mental health professional.

Students from the non-kosher side, dismayed by their inability to get their daily waffle fix, have been sneaking onto the kosher side to make waffles. Kosher Cop Sergeant Menachem Mendel Schwartz 09 is stationed full-time at the Kosher waffle irons. I have to make absolutely sure nobody tries to make a waffle with non-OU ingredients…or meat from a forbidden animal! Why cant they just eat pop-tarts?

Waffle Crossover (WC) has become a tremendous problem, according to Associate Vice President for Student Affairs and Dean of Student Life Rick Sawyer. Sawyer admitted that he was not aware of the waffles popularity in the Brandeis community. I dont eat student food;

I eat real food!

Kosher picketers outside Sherman were observed carrying signs reading NO WC IN SHERMAN! Students deciding not to enter indicated they couldnt eat Brandeis food without any WC on premises.

To maintain peace, the Non-Kosher Side Administration (NKSA) met Wednesday evening in an undisclosed location to discuss the crisis. An undisclosed source revealed that the non-kosher side may become kosher. An emergency Rabbinical SWAT Team is on standby with blowtorches to kasher the non-kosher side. The R-SWATniks can be mobilized within minutes, except during prayer times.

Brandeis Chabad Rabbi Peretz Chein acknowledged a certain degree of inconvenience to non-Jews and others. Rabbi Peretz noted, however, that kosher food never killed anybody…except maybe during Passover!

The Kosher Cop Benevolent Society has endorsed a plan for the construction of a barbed wire mechitza to separate the kosher and treif sides of the cafeteria. In opposition, the NKSA has declared that the waffles belong to everybody! Whats Brandeis without waffles? Whats Brandeis with waffles? What were we talking about?

The industrial strength waffle iron is no longer manufactured;

it will be difficult and expensive to replace, said Sherman manager Aaron Bennos.

While eating real food, Rick Sawyer announced the Administrations plan to recover the [expletive deleted] waffle iron. Any student turning in the [expletive deleted] waffle iron will not be prosecuted. He or she will receive a 36 point reward in the next housing lottery! Let me eat in peace!