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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

FARBER: Fe-males with brass fingernails

Published: April 8, 2005
Section: Opinions

People often ask me, Rafi, what is the meaning of Fife? To which I answer, almost without thinking due to my instantaneous wolf-like instincts honed by countless years of training in the area despite the fact that Im only 21 and if any amount of years of training that I have ever had in any one area are countless to you then you are probably not intelligent enough to finish reading this sentence, Fife-is-a-region-of-eastern-Scotland-between-the-Firths-of-Forth-and-Tay! It-was-once-a-Pict-kingdom!

WAM! Check out those good old wolf-iron reflexes! And take note that Good Old Wolf-Iron Reflexes would be a great name for a street gang of hairy grandmothers with wrinkling tattoos and big teeth on a looting spree against arthritis.

But lucky for you, my knowledge-thirsting readers, I know more than the meaning of Fife. For one, I know the meaning of relate, as I am also a self-proclaimed expert on relationships, particularly relationships with non-males. And perhaps THE most important thing you can learn about relating to a member of the opposite species is that women, unlike men, are FE-male.

WHAT-male? you say in neural shock. FE! But despite your objections and unwillingness to listen, it is the reality. And this has me completely baffled. While I may know the meaning of Fife, the meaning of FE escapes me utterly. This may conflict with my self-acclaimed status as an expert on relationships, but as we all know, conflict is inevitable. As someone famous might never have said, Its not the conflict that counts. Its how you USE it.

All this confusion aside, one thing I can tell you about fe is that it forces women to have a guilty-until-proven-guilty attitude about their physical appearance, or lack thereof. In practical terms, any comment made about their bodies including the inorganic material which dangles thereupon, if not said in a complimentary way with a saccharine tone and a grin wide enough to create smile-line-induced caverns the size of the grand canyon at the edge of your cheeks, is interpreted as a vicious attack on their soul and will be responded to in kind. What this means for you, the male, is that before taking note of a womans appearance, understand that you may not survive for long after the exchange, especially if she is sporting brass fingernails.

I illustrate my predictions with scientific data. It was always my impression that a FE-male dangles shiny stuff from her earlobes in order to attract the attention of a male, so that hell say something along the lines of, You have dangly shiny stuff on your earlobes, and shell think, It worked! He noticed the shiny danglage! Now I should smile at him seductively only to laugh at him when he asks me to go to the 24-hour Whack-a-Mole-a-Thon with him this Sunday.

But, they dont think this. For if a male tells a FE-male that she has shiny dangly stuff hanging off her earlobes, she will automatically assume that she is being made fun of. She will frown at you and eye you suspiciously and the 24-hour Whack-a-Mole-a-Thon will be the farthest thing from her mind because she will already have smashed her mole-mallet into both of your unsuspecting livers resulting in your subsequent inability to consume alcoholic beverages. This is very dangerous.

Then why, do you ask, do they dangle this stuff on their earlobes? I answer that question with a true story that I am not making up. Once, and I repeat that am NOT making this up, I was sitting on an airplane, flying someplace for some reason, and I witnessed that in front of me there was seated a middle-aged woman with tweezers, pulling out, one by one, every little hair on the back of her hand, letting out a little screech every time she pulled. As we exited the plane, I said to her, Your hand is very shiny, and she seemed insulted.

Then why, do you ask, do they pull out their hairs with tweezers at considerable pain to themselves and their hairs? In all my life talking about attractive FE-males among my male buddies, have I ever heard anyone say, Man Rafi, did you take a look at Jessicas hand? It…is…SHINY DUDE! Got to get me one of those.

Then why do they do such things? Because, as I said before: THE most important thing you can learn about relating to a member of the opposite species is that women, unlike men, are FE-male.