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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

The Bums to go back to school

Published: September 2, 2005
Section: Arts, Etc.

There comes a time in every students life when he has to ask himself, Where is the tunnel at the end of the classroom so I can go down it and try to find the light of a job and steady salary at the end that I probably wont even be able to see until Im 68 and still paying for my now-deceased grandparents social security backpayments?

The answer is seven. In other words, I have no idea, because I am still a student, and as a student I can tell you that the tunnel is only a rumor they spread to shut us up and keep us writing papers. But that doesnt mean I cant make stuff up. HA, of course, I dont even pretend to know enough about the tunnel to even lie to you about it, but what I can do is write a bunch of crap about nothing, which might seemingly relate to school and tunnels, or some combination in between. And thank God for that, who, unlike the tunnel, is someone who they also made up to keep you writing papers, but the difference is that He actually cares.

Schooling usually begins around nursery three, where dazed children wander around and make messes on the floor consisting of a mixture of drool and plastic toy components, while at the same time learning that two and two are usually four unless they make a mistake and are savagely beaten. Of course, this may have just been my school, but as a responsible journalist, I have made tireless investigations into this area by means of guessing what might be going on in other nursery schools, and evidence suggests that I am correct, so be quiet.

But schooling has begun to take a turn for the younger, beginning in the embryonic stages where expectant mothers play their newborn embryos the classical music of Mozart, Beethoven, and Tchernivostovsky in an attempt to stimulate their developing brain cells to develop faster despite the fact that embryos dont have any brain cells and are just a blob of undifferentiated stem cells. But the only reason these expectant mothers do not know this is because they never had the Tchernivostovsky advantage, which, by the way, includes subliminal messages to the effect that two and two are four. The trend being that savage beatings in nursery schools have dropped by a whopping (pun intended) 38%. I know this because I made it up.

The process then continues into elementary schools, where parents drive their now full grown embryos to be the best they can be in order that they get into a good high school, so they can get into a great college, where only the best graduate schools follow, which give them the most high-paying jobs so that these now middle-aged embryos can have enough money to go into early retirement. Golf then follows.

The question then becomes why not immediately skip to the final goal, early retirement immediately? Such a move would be absolute genius, and indeed there are a group of people that have already seized upon the idea. The cretins among us would call them bums, but lets grow up, end the socio-economic slurs and start using their formal name for once, please, you pathetic hate-filled fermenting slime-vermin hybrids. They are the Change-Extraction Engineers.

Most people do not realize the depth and breadth and width and length and time and dedication and utter laziness it takes to be a Change Extraction Engineer. Since, as an engineer, most people do not want to look at you or even give you a steak dinner and three $800 champagne bottles for boozing it up with your fellow Change-Extraction Engineering buddies, and find you to be a nuisance to the mosquitoes, there are three strategies you can take to be a successful engineer.

The first is the blunt-and-ugly strategy. This I witnessed a lot of during my time in Israel, where many an engineer would confront me unexpectedly and say You! Give me seven shekels, and depending on how ugly, large, smelly, threatening, how many living things I could estimate were living in their hair, or in other cases on whatever hairy creature was living on their head, and how long it took for them to curse me in Arabic, I acceded.

Though in general, I was not particularly impressed with this strategy, as it lacked in subtlety, sophistication, and style. What was more tasteful and worthy of the title of Doctor of Change Extraction was the lie-and-laugh strategy. This I witnessed none of because Im making it up, but I bet it would work well enough. The lie-and-laugh strategy is where an engineer confronts you in a tuxedo complete with top hat and monocle, pocket watch in the left vest pocket with a gold chain hanging down and a superfluous yet conspicuous can of $600 caviar in his right hand and says, Excuse me, but could you perchance spare seven shekels, as my family is dying of caviar poisoning and I have no medical insurance? at which point we would both hysterically laugh and I would give him fifty shekels just for being so creative.

But here comes the token part of the article where Im not lying OR making anything up. The third strategy I have no name for because I am in complete awe of the engineer who originated it. One day a man came up to me asking if he could haveyes300 shekels becauseyeshis son had to have scrotum surgery that emptied his bank account, and he needed food for the Jewish Sabbath to feed his family. As I looked up at him inI am NOT making this updisbelief, he started taking out a bunch of medical papers, one of which had the word, yeah, that word on it, the male body part, with what seemed to be messy-Israeli-doctors handwriting.

All I could think to myself was ouch, at which point he gave me his phone number, promising to pay me back the next Monday. I gave him a fifty dollar bill and a hundred shekels, and he never answered his phone again. Hey! He had MEDICAL PAPERS!
But all is well. We should all learn from him. I tip my top hat to you, Scrotum Bandit, for I bet you never had to go to school.