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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

The ultimate Facebook guide

Published: September 21, 2007
Section: Opinions

If you are like me, then you probably spend an infinite amount of time determining how to use your Facebook account in the most beneficial and advantageous ways possible. You probably find yourself spending endless hours deciding whether or not you should poke that cute girl you met the other night at a party or whether you should make a clever and witty post on your crush's Facebook wall that says something like damn, if being sexy were a crime, youd be guilty as charged. Things like figuring out whether or not you should ask that special someone if they would like to be in a complicated relationship with you on Facebook and how to answer the infinite number of questions they ask you in your profile, can cause a college student to experience a tremendous amount of stress. This is why I have established a fundamental Facebook guide that will help you increase your popularity around campus and also assist you in your quest to score big with members of the opposite sex. Here goes:

Determining whether or not you should friend someone:

You meet an extremely attractive young lady/man at a party—yes
You are doing a group project with someone who you think is cool and he/she is extremely attractive—absolutely

Your friend is friends with them on Facebook, you have never met them, but he/she is extremely attractive—no doubt You are browsing through random pictures of people coming to your school next semester and you think he/she is extremely attractive—without question

You find someone who has the same last name as you and he/she is extremely attractive—why not?

You are enjoying reading this column and you think that the person writing it might be worth getting to know because he is extremely attractive—please do it

Some things to avoid when dealing with the world of Facebook
-Always remember to refrain from saying things like Ill poke you later to girls who you meet at a party. This is not considered to be cool or hip. I found this out the hard way.

-Sometimes you will find yourself getting the sudden urge to post things like holy smokes, or yowza or maybe even no way those are real about someones pictures who you dont really know that well. This is also not a good idea. Just trust me on this one

-Do not change your profile picture on an everyday basis. This comes across as lame and pathetic and will likely cause people to make fun of you when you are in large groups. Not that I would know or anything.

How to hit it big with your peers by creating the perfect profile

-If you are looking to impress your Facebook audience, I suggest saying something like this in the Favorite Music section of your profile: Im just like everyone else, I enjoy jamming to songs like the electric slide and shake your bon-bon. After I inserted this prolific sentence into my profile, I received a bunch of wall posts from people who I hadnt heard from in years. Not necessarily for the right reasons, but nonetheless, it was great to hear from them.

-For all of you guys out there, if you are trying to pick up girls by using your Facebook profile, you might want to censor your About Me section. Saying things like I once scored 103 points with Ricky Davis in a game of NBA Live while playing with 5 minutes quarters and my biggest accomplishment was that time I won the Super Bowl in Madden 07 with a team that didnt have any players who possessed ratings over a 70, with a sticky controller, and that I did all of this in one day! surprisingly doesnt score big points with members of the opposite sex. Ladies, if you are a big partier and enjoy going out and having a good time, you might want to cease from broadcasting this across your entire profile because it is likely to give the guys the wrong impression about you. (Or the right impression, which probably wont help your cause either).

-If you are like me, then you probably havent read a book since, well, forever. This makes filling out the Favorite Books section a bit difficult, but it can be done. If you want to sound smart, list a bunch of renowned authors who people have heard of but probably have never read because they would present far too challenging of a read for them. After I changed my Favorite Books section from Playboy, Hustler and Maxim to Everything produced by Charlotte Bronte, Christina Rossetti, Virginia Woolf and Elizabeth Bowen, I received a number of friend requests from extremely intelligent girls. The only problem that you might run into by using this method is that what would be far too challenging of a read for you, might in fact be an enjoyable read for someone else. In my case, lying about my novel knowledge was actually quite disastrous because some people have actually read books by these authors and they asked me about my opinion of Middlemarch and To the Lighthouse. Needless to say, this ended up being an embarrassing situation, so make sure to be careful when filling out this section of your profile.

-Guys listen up. In the Favorite Movies section, I suggest putting The Notebook. Girls go crazy for a guy who likes an intimate and passionate movie. Unfortunately, it is too late for me to use this idea because I went down the brutally honest path and put The ones I go to and dont end up watching, which seemed like a good response at the time but apparently comes across as creepy and frightening to the ladies. Take my advice though, you can still salvage your Favorite Movies section. Ladies, insert movies like Boondock Saints and Old School. A guy always loves a girl who likes a little action and has a good sense of humor. That is, of course assuming that she hasnt been hit with an ugly stick.


-If you are looking for a good time, I strongly suggest inserting the My Best Friends application on your profile. After you do this, you should then proceed to best friend everyone you are Facebook friends with who you dont like. You will receive a wide range of responses from these people, most of which will pertain to them calling you by nicknames as opposed to your actual name. If you are resilient enough to endure the harsh retaliations you are likely to receive, then this can be a very fun activity that your entire family can enjoy.

-Those drunk wall postings that seem like a good idea when you are chowing down Wendys at 3 a.m. with your buddies, well, try to subsist from these. They are far more likely to cause you embarrassment the next morning when you wake up than they are to find you a date for the following evening.

Well, I hope you all use this guide to enhance your Facebook experience. Facebook can be a wonderful relationship tool when it is operated properly, so goodluck with your future Facebook endeavors.