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Hazing, Deis-style

Published: October 21, 2005
Section: Arts, Etc.


I. No Justice For You

MOTHER: Hoishal! Its me, your stereotypical Jewish mother. You never called to say you left that job at that nice newspaper, The Judge, or something. Think of your resume! Do you want to end up a nickel-thrower at the Horn & Hardart? Why do you do this to me? I need this like I need a hole in the head

II. So Igor To Please

IGOR PEDAN: Morning, Herschel. Glad youre on time for your first day of work. Nice tie too. Anyway, Ive got two assignments for you: First, Id like you to cover a debriefing for this Falls orientation leaders, where theyll be planning next years program. Second, theres a Womens Studies workshop for first-years, a forum for young women about mens attitudes. I know youll do just fine on both. Go to it;

dont let me down, kiddo!

III. Yid Think Shed Stop

MOTHER: So anyway, Hoishal, I stopped by the newspapers office looking for you, and they said youd left to woyk for that other little shmata of a newspaper. Vey iz mir;

do you ever tell me these things? Does Macys tell Gimbels? Anyway, I got the phone numbers of some nice Jewish goyls there, and I promised youd call them. Isnt that wonderful? Hoishal, what kind of goyl wouldnt want to marry such a handsome young bokher? Dont be shy;

youre still my little naches.

IV. Folks, This Ones A Kipa

RAFI FARBER: Hey, Justice Boy: Think youre all that, huh? Slummin it, are you? Come to see how the other half lives? Well, you dont look so tough;

bet you cant match my keyboarding and page-layout skills. Ill bet I can come up with more metaphors than you in five minutes;

wanna find out, Justice Boy? And when I win, Ill knock that yarmulke right off your head and keep it. And no, I am NOT making that up. (Dude, did you really show up in a tie??)

V. Never Bennett Troublemaker Before

ALWINA: Good morning, Herschel;

sit down, please. I just wanted to meet with you briefly. Some random first-year girl said you asked her to meet you in Sherman for dinner and she felt like you were asking her out. Then you called her up just to say Hi and she felt intimidated. When you tried to apologize, she went to her mentor, who got her to file a complaint with campus police. You need to understand, Herschel, that women are easily intimidated nowadays

VI. Your Hartz Been Broken

THAT RANDOM GIRL: Yes, officer, and when he did, he even made eye-contact! I feel so violated.

VII. Please, Anita Break!

PROF. HILL: Im too upset to comment at this moment.

VIII. You Can Column What You Will

DAVE GORMAN: Congrats on your promotion to The Hoot! Can you say comeuppance? Hey, at least youre not as pathetic as that guy with the picture of himself and his dog;

does he think its, like, a chick-magnet or something? And dont give your column a lame name like Horseradish either;

sounds like hes got weird phallic issues Oh yeah, and smooth move with that first-year! Big scandal, dude;

imagine if your mom found out youre a pervert

MOTHER: Oy Oy Shanda

IX. Holmes Where The Heart Is

KATIE HOLMES: [beep.] Hersh, its me, your lifelong object of futile lust. Oh my God, that was, like, wicked funny. Got busted at the eye-contact stage? Alright, so now we know youre sketchy, but at least youre still working for a (sort-of) newspaper. No, really, its all good;

Hoot guys arent so lame. You see, Im, like, seeing one of your coworkers short guy and butt-ugly, but hes got this maaad cute dog. Gotta go;

laterz. [beep.]

X. Freedom Of The Prez

JEHUDA: Hello, Brandeis! Ive got nothing to do with whats going on here, but I just wanted to have the honor of appearing at least once in Horseradish. (Alwina did.)

XI. Gewanter To Tell You?

BONNIE GEWANTER: Herschel, this little lady was in here before talking Yiddish and stuff, and she kept asking me and Lauren all these questions. Whys she so, like, interested in our last names? She said shed be back later

XII. Goes The Extra Moyl For You

MOTHER: Hoishal! Your stereotypical yiddishe mamele is here! Finally, I found you. You call this place an office? I see they call it Romper-Room (which, if I may say, young man, is fitting, given your recent juvenile antics). So I was talking to Doris at the mah-johng game you remember Doris;

her brother fainted at your bris so she said I should have a more modern attitude about young people. And shes right! Its no shanda to like goyls. But just in case you should ever get foolish and go and shtup one, I went to the drugstore and bought you this box of, er, uh, Coney Island whitefish. (Oy vey)

XIII. The Forced Amendment

MICHAEL SITZMAN: Folks, I guess Im obliged to reveal that nobody actually said any of this (like, major duh), but Ill bet they would have. As for you, Herschel Hartz, you can consider yourself hazed. Welcome to The Hoot.