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Published: November 11, 2005
Section: Arts, Etc.

For as long as I can remember, humans have been reproducing themselves through a well-known biological process known as reproducing themselves. Unfortunately, I cant remember anything before my fourth birthday party. I therefore conclude that before that point in time, there were no biological processes. This makes perfect sense. Stop furrowing your brow in bemusement.

A question comes to mind. That question is, Why, after reproducing themselves, do humans suddenly regress to an amorphous protoplasm of microscopic intelligence, regardless of how many degrees they may actually have and how many letters are now added to their names from countless years of schooling and hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes we call tuition? And its not just the parents. Any and every human that comes within a twenty-foot radius of any newly-reproduced person immediately exhibits a massive and instantaneous drop in social behavior akin to a beaver being sucked into a black hole. (I choose a beaver here for the analogy because beavers are the only ones that make dams out of trees. How this is connected to the subject matter should be as clear and evident as chocolate pudding on a foggy day.)
I illustrate via example, mostly because I dont know how to draw very well, and this is a newspaper. Two people, lets say they are both chemistry majors, are sitting and having lunch. They are having an intelligent discussion about molarity and such. The discussion flows smoothly as they are about to discover the very essence of the meaning of chemical.

CHEM MAJOR 1: You know, CHEM MAJOR 2, I think molarity is overrated. I mean, say you have a compound, and its totally overpopulated with homeless drunks. Dont you think that if you had any reason to really-big-chemistry-word in a hypotonic supersaturated solution of even-bigger-chemistry-word, youd be so full of molarity that your mouth wouldnt even be able to fit in its own incisors?

CHEM MAJOR 2: What the really-big-chemistry-word-which-is-also-a-curse-word are you talking about, CHEM MAJOR 1?! If hypotonic supersaturated solutions had anything to do with word-thats-not-even-remotely-Indo-European, the compound would be deserted and your molars would definitely fit, you disgusting chemistry-word-relating-to-a-bacterial-waste-product!

CHEM MAJOR 1: Well, now that I think about it, youre right. And I believe that, in calling me a really-big-chemistry-word-which-is-also-a-curse-word, you have caused me to stumble upon the very essence of the meaning of chemical. Let me tell you what it is.

[In waddles a cute, newly-reproduced two-year-old person with an English vocabulary of seven words that might actually just be random noises that sort of resemble something that sounds like Medieval English back when it was still German.]

CHEM MAJOR 2: Really? So tell me, what is the very essence of the meaning of chemical?

CHEM MAJOR 1: Yes, I have finally discovered the grand unified theory of chemistry. It goes like thisHey! Look! Its a cute baby! AWUBYDUBYZUBYBUBYWOO! Ha ha! Whats that? Is that a plate? A PLATE? CAN YOU SAY PLATE? PLAAAATE?
BABY: Jorblik! Jubfit*drool*!
CHEM MAJOR 2: WOW! I think she said really-big-chemistry-word-thats-not-even-remotely-Indo-European! I think thats what she said!
CHEM MAJOR 1: Babies are so fun! Ha ha! Now, what was I saying?
CHEM MAJOR 2: UhhhIm not sure.

As you can see, babies have a marked effect on the intelligence quotient and the progress of all humankind. What this means, of course, is that in order to progress intellectually, socially, politically, economically, technologically, and ineptly, we must completely stop reproducing ourselves. Imagine the progress we can make in just a few hundred years if there were no babies to distract us? This makes perfect sense. Stop rolling your eyes.

The question remains as to why this indeed happens? That question can be answered directly in terms of parents. From there, extrapolation to the rest of society will have to do, which is fine, because as Ive proven all throughout this article thus far, I can extrapolate pretty damn well.

The reason babies have such an acute impact on the intelligence and social behavior of their parents is threefold. Firstfold, babies require constant monitoring 27 hours a day. I say 27 because most people who are not parents get at least five hours of sleep per night, and do not know that once you hit 3:00am, time actually stops for three full hours. If babies are not monitored 27 hours a day, they will intentionally try to deliver a crippling injury to themselves just to spite you. When they are asleep, they are either waking up and crying which means you are waking up and crying, or you are deathly worried about them choking on their own spit-up while unconscious, which means you are waking up and crying.

Secondfold, babies like repetition. Secondfold, babies like repetition. If you read them a Dr. Seuss book, prepare to read it to them upwards of 57 times per sitting, 26 sittings per day on average for the next two years. This mind-numbing procedure slowly but quickly turns the adult brain into a thick paste resembling congealed applesauce in a mixture of old tar. The eyes then begin to glaze over, the heart rate drops dramatically, drool output triples and all you seem to be able to do is to mindlessly recite meaningless Dr. Seuss words such as Zumble Zay.

Zumble Zay is an actual Dr. Seuss word that I know very well because my brother is the parent of a baby whose favorite book is Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now! The book is a heart-wrenching tale of a stubborn yet talented boy named Marvin who is constantly urged by an unknown antagonist to go now. The antagonist makes repeated attempts to persuade him to go now to which Marvin does not respond. Eventually, after beginning to lose his grip on reality and the English language, the antagonist suggests that Marvin go on a Zumble Zay, a suggestion which is immediately followed by hysterical laugher from my brothers child and ruthless demands to repeat the line over and over and over again.

This has a serious effect on my brother, who is studying to be a Rabbi. All day he surrounds himself with complicated Rabbinic literature concerning the intricacies of a 3,000 year old law-code, and when he finally comes home and sees the baby, he is reduced to a glossy-eyed shell of a man who can say nothing but Zumble Zay.

Threefold, babies like repetition.

As for the rest of society who are not parents, the answer is simple as to why we are also affected. The answer is quite an ingenious one, which I recently developed after years of field research into the topic and poring over textbooks, and I sincerely believe that the answer will help all of us deal with who we are, understand more about ourselves, work better with our fellow man, and all around improve the world to a degree unseen in recent historical memory. It has profound implications, and I will even go so far to say that it uncovers the very essence of the meaning of society. The answer, I believe, is this:
Hey! Look! ITS A CUTE BABY! AWUBYDUBYZUBYBUBYWOO! Can you say field research? FIELD RESEARCH? Ha ha! HA HA!