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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

Sexcapades: “Was it good for you?”

Published: April 23, 2010
Section: Opinions

What is good sex? Because we all have different wants and needs, is there really a standard? Is there actually such a thing as objectively good sex?

I recently discovered that some of the things I take for granted when talking about sex are not what others do. Of course on an inconsequential level, I understood this to be true before; some of the things I want in bed for sex to really be good are not things other people look for, but others seemed well, obvious, to me. Over the course of a few conversations recently, I have found out that I have a number of friends who, while they enjoy sex, have never had an orgasm. Additionally, apparently what I have come to accept as average, in terms of penis size, is, in fact, on the larger side.

This leads me to wonder if what my friends think is good would be different for me? There will always be factors such as, attractiveness and emotional connection, which are subjective in every sense. However, “skill” and size were not variables I had considered.

Another recent conversation actually got me thinking about this as well. A friend recently confided to me that she and an ex of mine had made out once, and apart from the fact that she was uncomfortable given his and my past, she also did not think he was really a very good kisser. I was intrigued by this, because I think of him as a very good kisser; I realized though that he and I were very connected, and I thought he was a good kisser because we kissed each other in a way we each liked. This type of connection certainly does not happen with everyone, and I have certainly kissed a number of guys with whom I did not enjoy the experience.

It can be more difficult to find enjoyable kissing or sex with someone new after being with another person for a long time. Over time you learn about what works for you and your partner, as a pair. When you start something with someone new, everything you know is no longer applicable. Additionally, what your previous partner liked may not be anything even close to what your new partner likes.

So then, we return to the original question—is there really such a thing as good sex? Or is there only “it was good for me”?

The goal is always orgasm, that release that makes the rest of the world recede, but is there more than just the end point that makes sex good? Certainly, for women—or (perhaps I should not generalize) for me, and some friends I have spoken with—orgasm is not required for sex to be a wonderful, enjoyable, activity. The key to good sex is making sure it feels good, and that it is fun. Sex can only be good so long as it is fun. What was once good sex can go bad when it gets to be a chore, or too serious.

Also, let’s be honest: There aren’t too many guys who are willing to put off their own pleasure for yours. This means that there are definitely a large number of women who are enjoying sex a lot, but their guys just are not getting them the extra mile to orgasm. They may love having sex with their partners, but that does not mean that it is totally satisfying. Sad, but true. Speak up, and do not fake it—your guy cannot fix it if he does not know it is broken.