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The Self Shelf: The Trial of Christine O’Donnell

Published: October 29, 2010
Section: Opinions

The following column is a satirical piece in which major media and political figures are placed in an entirely imagined scenario—any resemblance to actual situations is purely intentional.

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WASHINGTON D.C. (The Hoot) – Christine O’Donnell was arraigned on charges of witchcraft today at the Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals. The high court charged her with one count of witchcraft, the penalty for which is being roasted alive by the media. The high court also charged her with one count of being a public nuisance, although the validity of this charge is in dispute.

Chief prosecutor Nancy Pelosi remarked in her opening statement that the defendant had already admitted her crime to renowned witch hunter Bill Maher. The public defender, Bill O’Reilly, responded to the charges by stating that the liberal media was conducting yet another unfounded witch hunt. Justice George W. Bush (nicknamed “The Decider” by his associates) presided over the court.

The first witness called to the stand for the prosecution was O’Donnell’s opponent in the senate election, Chris Coons. He testified that he had always suspected that there was something “off with that woman, especially when she tried to turn me into a newt.” Additionally, he testified that only someone with supernatural powers could have created a political campaign out of such an inane and incomprehensible platform. On cross examination, O’Reilly tried to get Coons to admit that he was actually a zombie due to his incredibly boring presence but Justice Bush didn’t allow the evidence in, explaining that Coons could not be a zombie because zombies aren’t real because they aren’t in the Bible.

The next witness called to the stand for the prosecution was Bill Maher. He explained under direct examination that he had spent much of his life trying to combat the supernatural threat posed by witches. He claimed that Christine O’Donnell was the second most threatening witch in American society, although he wouldn’t provide the name of the first. Defendant O’Reilly’s cross examination consisted of attacks upon the credibility of the broadcast which provided the chief evidence against O’Donnell. “Did you ever explain to her before the broadcast that what she said could and would be used against her in a court of law?” Maher responded by stating “No, but I honestly wished that I could have made a citizen’s arrest right there.” No further questions were asked.

The next witness for the prosecution was Connecticut democratic senate candidate Richard Blumenthal. Unfortunately, the court was deprived of his testimony when rival candidate Linda McMahon drop kicked him and broke five of his ribs. She was led away by the bailiffs, all the while screaming that wrestling didn’t incentivize violence. Justice Bush called a five minute witness for everyone to catch their breath after the violent episode.

The final witness called for the prosecution was Senator Harry Reid, who didn’t seem to realize why he was being called into court and expressed his wish to go home to do some more campaigning. Pelosi then hit him with her shoe until he had a sudden change of heart and decided to testify. He testified to the validity of Bill Maher’s methods or something to this effect (it was horribly garbled and unclear). During cross examination, Bill O’Reilly merely asked him about his day, slipping in the words “stimulus”, “healthcare”, and “socialism” as often as possible. This went on for several hours. Finally, after O’Reilly asked Reid whether he was “stimulated by walking his dog,” Justice Bush declared enough was enough and declared the examination over. The prosecution then rested.

The first witness called by the defense was Connecticut senator Joe Lieberman. Unfortunately, the prosecution then tried to claim that they had been the ones who had subpoenaed Lieberman. In the end, Lieberman proclaimed himself independent of both sides but said that he would testify for the prosecution. Thus, in a surprising decision, Justice Bush allowed Lieberman to testify for the prosecution. Yet Lieberman was very hostile to Prosecutor Pelosi to the point where she threw up her hands in frustration, and asked permission to treat the witness as hostile. Permission was not granted and Pelosi simply sat down, visibly furious. O’Reilly and Lieberman then talked about that weekend’s golfing date for the rest of the examination.

Finally, the defense called defendant O’Connell to the stand. Apparently this was not a strategic maneuver but instead a result of the ignorance of the 5th Amendment. When the 5th Amendment was pointed out to O’Donnell, she smiled and asked if that was really in the Constitution. Despite everyone’s entreaties that it was, no one was able to convince her of it and thus she took the stand. Defender O’Reilly spent his direct examination focusing on the strong moral values of the defendant and how she had put her days of spiritual confusion behind her. She appeared calm, composed, and rather confused throughout the entire episode. This manner unwound, however, during Prosecutor Pelosi’s cross examination.

While she initially denied any witch related activities, O’Donnell became belligerent as Prosecutor Pelosi broadcast the video of her confession to the jury. She then tried to claim that she was confused at the time and had no idea what she was getting into. When Pelosi pointed that this was not a refutation of the charges, O’Donnell tried to claim her acts were protected under the separation of church and state. Justice Bush then intervened, stating that there was no separation between church and state in the Constitution, and ordered the testimony stricken. Chris Coons was seen to react with a large smirk on his face. Pelosi continued questioning in this vein for a short while afterward before finishing her examination by asking “Did you or did you not ever practice witchcraft?”

O’Donnell didn’t respond but instead pulled out a wand from her sock and turned the entire court into different animals. Nancy Pelosi was turned into a hawk while Harry Reid was suddenly took the form of a sloth. O’Reilly turned into an eagle while Maher turned into a vulture. Coons, oddly enough, was turned into a copy of the Constitution while Justice Bush, ironically enough, was turned into a donkey. Joe Lieberman was turned into a weasel. There was no one to adjourn court but it was implied. O’Donnell is still at large and dangerous – anyone with any information as to where she is or what she’s talking about is strongly encouraged to come forward.