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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

To have a reputation

Published: January 27, 2006
Section: Opinions

I was watching Simpsons reruns on an average Friday afternoon when I got an IM from my old friend Kevin Montgomery (youve probably heard of himhes the goy.) Kevin asked me if I had seen The Hoot, and being the terrible columnist I am, I replied, Nope. He informed me that we were both in Michael Sitzmans Horseradish! Whaaaaa???

I was a little surprised, seeing as I had not been interviewed, nor had I written anything of interest lately. As you may or may not have noticed, I missed my last deadline all together! I sat down to read Horseradish. Either he was writing one crazy piece of satire, or I was really out of the loop. 12/11? What was that? His dog? And then blonde-haired, blue-eyed Kevin came galloping into the story brandishing white bread. This was getting interesting. Then I saw my name.

Frankly, I am offended! And why shouldnt I be? Michael Sitzman used my name without permission! That sort of trick may be permissible at the Justice, but I never thought my own paper would betray me! And such betrayal! How dare Sitzman suggest that I am simply a boring reporter sitting in a BTV65 sky copter. I mean, Kevin at least got a mayonnaise joke or two! Is there nothing funny about my public persona? Dont I have a reputation to satirize? I would hate to think that I have come all this way to sit in a BTV65 sky copter with no personality.

I have failed you, my readers. I fear I have not been controversial enough. I have not pegged myself into a hole of reputation as many of my fellow strong-willed Brandeisians. But, never fear. Ill find some way to stir up trouble. Even if I have to call each and every one of you a racist!