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Super Bowl previews in desperate need of a sane change

Published: February 10, 2006
Section: Arts, Etc.


As I sat down to watch Super Bowl XL, beer in hand, I, like most other Americans, couldnt help but wonder why ABC chose to name the most popular television event in history after a T-shirt size. And, like most other Americans, I soon figured out that it must have been some kind of underhanded bribe by Fruit of the Loom to promote its latest line of extra large underwear.

For those wondering, yes, I am joking. I am well aware that XL actually refers to the size of the Super Bowl, as in Extra Large Super Bowl, not underwear. So dont go around belittling my knowledge of football and underwear. As a matter of fact, I have 12 pairs in my top drawer, one beneath my shorts, and a Miami Dolphins winter jacket. These February days I usually wear both at the same time, and I rarely get confused between the two.

As they say, all is fair in football and underwear, but what warrants serious discussion right now are not these trivial matters, but the Super Bowl XL commercials. These are advertisements that cost approximately 1.2 kidneys, several skin grafts, and a virgin sacrifice to Paul Tagliabue per half a minute of airtime, but on the plus side they are viewed by over 2.4 billion viewers a second. For the business gurus, this means that for the price of a mere entirely dispensable organ, you can reach the entire population of America six times, who then are obliged to buy your product under the provisions of Amendment 19.3, Section Z of the constitutional Super Bowl convention of 1984, under threat of hard labor in North Korea, which was drafted by congress in 2003 as an incentive for Pyongyang to stop building nuclear weapons already you crazy xenophobic totalitarian nutbags.

There are a few commercials I would like to review for wont of their mild insanity. The first that comes to mind is the much-loved fusion commercial. If you saw the Super Bowl, you may be reminded of this commercial by its futuristic sound effects, the blazing lights, and the magnificent red and blue sparkling colors traveling presumably at light speed through what seemed to be some sort of particle accelerator.

Then some guy with a low raspy voice, probably that same one that does all the movie previews, says something arousing like, and I am completely making this up because I dont remember, You have never seen anything quite like this. The world of science(flashing lights, *zhhhoom* sound effects) smashes together with the technology of the 21st century(*bamsmashgaZANG*) to master a creation until today unknown to the greatest minds of this generation (*flamwack**baGOOOSHhhhhh*). And then the word FUSION flashes on the screen, getting sandwiched between the zooming red and blue blazes in the particle accelerator.

Pause. Silence. What is it? Did we finally invent something useful? Fusion you say? Is it COLD FUSION?! Did we finally do it? Did the particle physicists put in some weird atom into the accelerator and finally discover the SECRET TO FREE ENERGY that Einstein only dreamed of? Are fossil fuels finally, wonderfully, a thing of the past???
NO! Its even better! Its a FIVE BLADED RAZOR!

And thats not all! Weve finally done it! Fusion of back and front cutting technology! Yes my friends, theres actually a SIXTH blade on the OTHER side of the razor! Everyone barf for joy! Buy it or get shipped to North Korea!

For our next Super Bowl commercial we have a movie preview. Before I mention the details of this masterpiece, I would like to comment that just three days ago, and this is absolutely true, I was watching an episode of Ali G, an HBO original series where a guy pretending to be a semi-retarded gangsta rapper engages in incredibly stupid activities and gauges the response of his subjects in order to entertain his audience. In this episode, Ali attempts to break in to Hollywood and pitch some incredibly inane ideas for movies to various producers. One of the ideas he pitches is that of a police chief who gets bitten by a police dog that later dies, and the police chief ends up carrying around the spirit of the dog. The police chief can now run, eat, and act just like the dog, and nobody knows why. The movie producer, nearly cringing, says to Ali, It would take aningenious scriptto make it work.

Well, this years Super Bowl saw Ali Gs dream come true. In Disneys heartfelt gut-wrenching spectacular momentous passionate thriller The Shaggy Dog, Tim Allen turns into a dog, but tragically knows not why. Experience the mystery firsthand as Allen goes through life with some spicy added bark! And what an ingenious script it must be. I stand in awe, unable to move in spite of my nearly uncontainable excitement for the two-sided five-bladed fusion razor.

Next, we have a product for all those Ultra Slim Fast buffs who want to lose weight by doing the only logical thingdrinking thick, creamy chocolate shakes that are more densely caloric than supersaturated whale blubber. If youve tried this diet and failed, dont fear. You are not a failure. The problem was not with you. It was with the Slim Fast shake. Apparently, says the Super Bowl, the previous thick creamy chocolate whale shake put out by the company did not succeed in suppressing hunger long enough. Now thats all in the past. Get ready for thisthe new and IMPROVED Ultra Slim Fast shake suppresses hunger for two hours longer! Or is it four! I dont remember Im so excited!

Who thinks of such genius? It must have been the scriptwriter for The Shaggy Dog. Either him or whoever thought up that razor. And how did they do it? We may never know for sure, but word has it that they injected more chocolate whale blubber and increased the recommended serving size.

Super Bowl XL indeed kicked off an era of many Extra Large improvements to our lives, hopes and dreams. Men, yes, we finally, FINALLY can use both sides of our razor, something weve been wanting, nay, NEEDING to do for however long weve lived since puberty. Dear dietersthe answer, at last, is here. All you need to do is drink that shake, and you wont be hungry for four whole hours. And Americathere is finally a movie out there that simply says it all. Yes, deep down inside, we are all dogs