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I want to be a writer of magic master

Published: March 3, 2006
Section: Arts, Etc.


As Graduation approaches, high doses of Clonapin and zantex are no match for my anxiety. I thought beginning my job search would alleviate my worries, but Ive realized I dont know what I am searching for. I dont want to be a doctor, or a lawyer, and Economics is not for me. So What I am left with? The only thing that Ive ever consistently done for 40 hours a week is sleep.

I often wonder what everybody else does, because so much shit gets made in this world, and yet I have no idea how. For example where does glass come from? Yes I know asshole, sand. But Ive looked at sand, and Ive looked at glass, and I dont see the connection. Who is the person that converts the sand to glass? Could I be a professional sand to glass converter? Ive always loved Fax machines. Perhaps I could make those? Where do they come from? Ive stood on the summits of many American Mountains and never have I seen anything in the environment that resembled a fax machine. Is there someone at this very moment staring at some crazy plant with a hard on about to cream in his pants screaming, Man this will make the dankest fax machine ever. Yeah I know fax machines are made of plastic thats nice, how is plastic made?

A few nights ago I looked to beer to quash my raw feelings and popped the top off my Magic Hat beer bottle. And thats when it hit me. Magic Hat writes different random humorous messages on all their bottle caps. And so I did what any ambitious student does when an opportunity presents itself I sent an electronic message, which I assure you was entirely serious. The following was my correspondence with Magic Hat.

Dear Magic Hat, I would like to apply for the position of “bottle cap writer. Magic Hat presents itself as being an alternative and independent beer in its attempts at winning over the hearts and cash of that optimal 18 – 49 year old consumer demographic, so perhaps you have gone with an off beat job title for the position, such as “Magic Writer” or “writer of Magic,” or maybe even “Writer of Magic Master,” for the ones who have ten year. The point is, I want to be that guy. Are there any open positions? Please let me know.
Sincerely,
Nathan Ehrlich

Thanks for your interest. This position doesnt exist. An old friend of ours does some of this writing. Cheers,
Carri

I was not about to let my dreams dissolve without a fight. Plus Hiatt advised me that I should be persistent. And so I replied

Thanks for getting back to me Carri. It would seem to me that this old friend you speak of can't possibly come up with such a substantial number of ideas for every Magic Hat bottle. Even great shows like “Melrose Place” and “Party of Five” were cancelled when their producers were out of ideas. I'm sure I could be a valued asset by helping take some of the overwhelming pressure that has been bestowed upon the shoulders of this old friend of yours. In lieu of this insight I hope that you reconsider hiring an additional writer of Magic Master, which I can assure you, I am.
Sincerely,
Nathan Ehrlich

Whether you have liked it here at Brandeis, or not, many of us are dreading graduation. Its a day that signifies the end of this relaxed life style where we pay not a penny, or very few pennies, and for the most part dont support ourselves. We can get high on weekday afternoons, and yet at the same time we can discuss the present political situation with an incredibly intellectual faculty and student body. The depressing reality is that come the end of May, we seniors are going to have to work harder and stop depending on Mom & Dads salaries. However, graduation is not a genesis to a nine to five prison with a life sentence, unless you will it to be. The notion of college being the best four years of your life is bullshit. If Im wrong about that, I know many Brandeis students that will be en route to Oregon still wearing their cap and gown so they can have professional medical assistance in ending their lives.

Graduation brings uncertainty, which precipitates insecurity causing people to make definitive plans that play to the countrys social expectations whose rules dictate that we must know our every post-graduate move. The pressures of these plans make us panic and act out of desperation leading to rash decisions such as applying and sometimes attending the wrong schools, accepting the wrong jobs, proposing to the wrong girl or guy, and even emailing and harassing an innocent out of the way microbrewery in Vermont. Despite what many parents and traditionalists believe, there is no shame in needing time, to travel, to work, to explore, to get high, and to relate. If nobody explored, many of us would still be living in Europe, and Waltham would still be the watch making capital of the planet. What needs to be realized is that pressure to get serious and think only of securing a great future makes the present suck. Theres something to be said for security and dependability, but we dont need to script our lives just because we are saying our goodbyes to South St. Not knowing everything that is around the corner is what gives life its thrill. Hearing, seeing, and experiencing something with which you are already familiar can never be as exciting. You dont believe me? Reread this article.