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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.


Published: October 28, 2005
Section: Opinions

A few days ago, a friend directed me to an article entitled Musical Breast Implants on Now, I have to admit I wasnt too keen on the idea of having an mp3 player implanted in my breasts. First of all, that means surgery. On my breasts. OUCH. I feel like surgery should be one of those things people avoid, unless, of course, they need it to survive. And other than being musically challenged, my breasts are really not in need of enhancement.

But discomfort and complete pointlessness aside, I imagine having electronics in your breasts would create a few problems. Like walking through metal detectors. Or, more so, explaining why you are setting off the metal detector even though you have already removed your belt, your earrings, your glasses, your keys, your shoes…

Im sorry, I have an mp3 player implanted in my breast.

And you cant remove it, Maam?

Afraid not.

Then I guess Im going to have to ask you to remove your shirt. To make sure its really in there… you know… for security.

I have an mp3 player implanted in my breast.

Sure you do… Please step right over there to that room marked terrorist. Thanks.
But air travel aside, what about mammograms? Squishing your boob is one thing, but squishing a boob with an mp3 player inside? If a mammogram is how my aunt describes it (slamming your boob in a car door), then a mammogram with an mp3 player inside must fit under some cruel and unusual punishment clause of some constitution somewhere. And dont electronics usually heat up after you use them for a while?

I like you.

My chest is on fire!

I knew you had feelings for me!

No! My chest is ON FIRE you asshole!

And, perhaps the most painful and embarrassing of all: Imagine youre playing some of your smooth, in the mood music while spending some time alone with your partner. They make an enthusiastic grab, and suddenly, youre both listening to that Linkin Park track you never told anyone you downloaded… so not sexy.

I think musical breast implants are a terrible idea. Well, at least thats what I thought until this afternoon when I left my iPod in class. You dont know embarrassment until you have to interrupt another class (a small, personal one) to go crawling around on the floor looking for your iPod.

Especially since you know that if someone picked it up and turned it on, they would immediately be presented with the information that you sometimes listen to Avril Lavigne. And Im just not sure Im willing to share that information with the jerk who is stealing my iPod.

So, I guess having your mp3 player surgically implanted would be one way to avoid losing it. Minus the pain, scars, references to Bionic Woman, requests to see it, risk of the player needing repairs, chance of losing the ability to breast feed, and having to explain to your parents why you need thousands of dollars for the procedure, mp3 implants are a great idea. Bring on the musical breasts!