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Brandeis University's Community Newspaper — Waltham, Mass.

Rafi Farber




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    Rafi Farber

    Humanites v sciences with a whipped topping of perversion

    The average student at a liberal arts school such as ours generally has two choices regarding which path to take through four years of quality education offered by top-notch staff and state-of-the-art duck and squirrel population all for the measly sum of $120,000 plus room, board, meal plan, student activities fee, technology fee, gratuity fee, gratuitous fee, duck and squirrel maintenance fee, presidential salary fee, and the fee to round off the number of fees to 10 so theyll fit in the Excel spreadsheet used to print and calculate the final fee.

    Deadly snow safety tips

    Today we will discuss: Snow. In my experience, I have found that after you have been outside in a blanket of falling ice for twenty minutes merely trying to get from point A to point A-and-a-half on foot (I say on foot and not on feet because by minute seventeen, the other foot has broken off and shattered into thousands of frozen fleshy Terminator 2-like shards,leaving, inevitably, one solitary foot left), you slowly start to realize that the reason you are suffering from worse brain-freeze than had you just wolfed down a bucket of soft-serve in three seconds is because you are trying to inhale air that freezes your lungs to the point that they begin to form a spider webbing series of cracks.

    Be a patriot: spike your thanksgiving turkey

    November once again comes to a close. We say goodbye to it with puffy eyes and a tear dripping down our noses, because by this point in the year it is way too cold not to suffer from constant outpourings of perpetual nose-drool as I do. I dont know about you, but I for one can quench the thirst of several small nation-states such as Monaco and Djibouti with the volume of nose-drool my glands synthesize every day.


    For as long as I can remember, humans have been reproducing themselves through a well-known biological process known as reproducing themselves. Unfortunately, I cant remember anything before my fourth birthday party. I therefore conclude that before that point in time, there were no biological processes. This makes perfect sense. Stop furrowing your brow in bemusement.

    Impaled by a CowHurricane over Miami

    All right guys and females. I have something important to say. In some ways, what I am about to say is quite tragic. In other ways, it is even more tragic. And in still other ways, it is rather silly, but at least Im coming out with the truth. The thing isand I say this, mind you, while trying to keep a completely straight face by wrapping it very tightly in successive layers of Saran WrapIm from Miami.

    Diabetic baboons and human reproduction

    Somebody stopped me in Sherman the other day. (No, not THAT day. The OTHER one.) He asked me the following question. Is it better to ask out a girl while lying on her bed without any clothing, or while lying on her bed without any clothing while covered in rose petals? Somebody actually asked me this question, to which I responded with the obvious answer, which is that if you ask out a girl using either of those two methods, youll definitely end up on a lovely date, though it will probably be with a large hairy-backed man in a prison bathroom.

    From the depths of Vicodin I call to you

    This past Monday I did something only someone drastically concerned about his dental future to the point of dementia would do. On Monday I hired some guy who spent fifteen or so years in school give or take a few decades just so he could tack a bunch of extra letters on to his name (M.D., D.D.S., S.A.D.I.S.T.) to drug me unconscious with some chemical that probably has a street value five times that of top-grade government-grown Afghani heroin, slice into my gums and hack my jaw to the point that I STILL cant feel anything from the right half of my bottom lip all the way down to my chin.

    Give into peer pressure and give blood

    October 20th is just around the corner, and I dont know about you, but to me, only one thing comes to mind: The Waltham Blood Drive. The severely anemic among us, myself included, all know that the blood drive is the most exciting thing since Al Gore, hands down. Those full-blooded losers I know that are reading this article right now are probably ripe with protest. Nothing is more exciting than Al Gore! they shout, but in vain. There are of course two reasons why they have all of their blood and we dont. The first is that we have figured out the best way to lose weight while at the same time getting all you can eat at a snack table free of charge, and they havent. The second is that theyre bloody stupid. Pun intended.

    Surprise Party Planners with a Death Wish

    Have you ever successfully organized a surprise birthday party? I mean single-handedly cooking a huge lunch and hosting 25 people, sleeping three hours a night and using public transportation to get into another city just to find kosher chicken, all while keeping everything entirely secret and completely lying about where youve been the past three days, all for someone you couldnt possibly care any less about? If you have, then you are an extremely talented, clandestine, and hardworking nitwit who should immediately be:
    1) Hired by the CIA, since you are obviously the take-no-prisoners-cloak-and-dagger if-I-tell-you-Ill-have-to-kill-your-dog-youre-on-a-need-to-know-basis-shifty-eyed chum theyre looking for,
    2) Placed in an emergency drug rehabilitation program, as you are most likely a PCP addict experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms,
    3) Placed on suicide watch, for you definitely have a morbid death wish,
    4) And be committed. You are a danger to society.

    FARBER: Streaking your way to better grades

    If any of you have ever gotten on stage during the camp-wide talent show in a giant T-shirt with your legs through the sleeves and your head through the neck hole thereby making it impossible for you to stand erect in order to imitate what you thought was a kangaroo trying to entertain a completely bewildered group of 2,500 high-schoolers looking at you like a catatonic looks at a crazed hippopotamus about to maul him and wondering what in Gods name youre trying to do, then you know exactly what its like to be publicly embarrassed in the summer of 7th grade at sleep-away camp in front of 2,500 people.